.shut me out from this world.
Thursday, May 08, 2008
7:59 AM

Have moved!


scribbled at
7:59 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Wednesday, May 07, 2008
10:45 PM

Just came back yesterday from a super last minute trip to tioman! Didn't expect that I'd actually take up huiteng's offer haha.

Thanks babe for selling off the tickets to us so cheap! And it was really a pleasant surprise to bump into you at gemuk yesterday! Hope you loved your trip too!! =)

And so, a few days ago, bern and I hurriedly packed our bags, not really knowing what to bring along, and set off at 6am the next morning for tioman. How's that for a rushed decision mans. Lol.

At any rate! The journey there was torturous, to say in the least. Had to endure a 4 hours bus ride to tanjong gemuk, then wait another hour plus for the delayed ferry, before finally boarding the ultra noisy ferry which did nothing to help my headache.

By the time we reached paya beach, it was around 3pm. Goshh!!

The room wasn't too bad, just that for some reason (I don't know if it's just our room) it had quite a few..erm..problems. Haha. Take for instance, a balcony light that didn't work, a TV which came with only one channel, and in black and white to boot. It took some getting used to coloured tv back here in sg. Hahaha.

Slacked our first day away by sleeping cos' we were just so tired from the travelling. Tioman is really pretty much kampung-like, but it was total R&R!

2nd morning saw us going out on a boat to snorkel at coral island and the marine park. I don't know how to describe my experience, apart from "breathtaking". And I think even that word doesn't begin to do justice. Maybe it's because I'm so naturally afraid of water that I still can't quite believe I actually went to snorkel in the open sea.

I guess it really helped to have bern around, and the guide who realised my water phobia. Haha. Because of him, we got to snorkel in areas which we wouldn't have dreamt of venturing to! And we even saw a shark!! Omgoshh that was uber exciting! The "vegetarian" shark, as I'll always remember it by. Hahaha. Just a pity that we didn't think to bring along an underwater camera...wasted! Other than that, we took as many pictures as bern's camera allowed..pics will be up on facebook soon! Once bern uploads and sends them over. *hint hint* =D

Also trekked abit to see the rock fall, not supremely spectacular but still, rather pretty. And super refreshingly cold water! I just didn't feel the millions of mosquito bites we had were really worth it. Haha.

Didn't really do alot there, come to think of it. Considering the main attractions are sea sports and trekking..but we did abit of both! I do miss the place, despite all the mosquitoes and neverending visits by eight-legged creatures in our room. Lol.

I miss our bubbled-black and white tv, the night sky lit up by thousands and thousands of sparkling stars..a sight I will never forget. The crystal clear sea waters, home to the gorgeous marine life which I got to come into direct contact with..the laidback lifestyle and friendly people on the island..I'd love to go back to tioman again. =)

And, last minute travelling is pretty fun in its own way. Haha. I'm glad I got to experience this holiday after all. =)

It would have been wonderful if we could have gone together..then all the spectacular images of underwater marine life we used to see on documentaries would have been ours to experience and enjoy..

scribbled at
10:45 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Monday, April 28, 2008
12:02 AM

And so lately, I've been hearing questions like,

"Any plans after graduating?"

"Have you found a job?"

"What's your dream job?"

"What are you planning to do?"

"What companies have you applied to?"

And the list continues.

It's pretty scary stepping into a whole new chapter in life.

For the first time, one that does not involve studying. Unless, of course, I don't intend to work, and instead just continue studying. A tempting option, but not practical for now.

Throughout my growing up years, I've had big dreams. Some are so huge, you wouldn't believe that I could dream them up.

I guess I grew up primarily with music and language. Yet, I excel in neither. Probably of a mediocre standard, at best, slightly above average.

I've been lucky. Being exposed to music lessons since I was a small girl, developing a love for reading and language since I was 4 or 5..having the support of my family to play in school bands despite their neverending worries over my suffering grades.

Looking back, I wonder what I spent all that time doing.

Instead of perfecting what I could have possibly excelled at, I became a jack of all trades, and a master of none.

I suppose, looking at myself from an outsider's point of view, I can understand why people around me, my parents in particular, have always been somewhat hesitant whenever I mention that I want to do something new, learn something interesting.

I'm pretty ashamed to say that I've really proven their worst fears true by excelling in nothing I've promised to work hard in. Ohmans.

It's time I took stock of my life seriously.

I still have my big dreams, the musical dreams involving playing with orchestras, the linguistics dream of mastering languages, the dream of living a life where I love my work, something I'm passionate about, yet I don't have to sacrifice having a life just to earn money to live comfortably.

In singapore, that's pretty much a tough call. It's almost always a tradeoff between earning money and actually having a life. I'm not counting going home to sleep, having dinner with family and watching tv as having a life.

That's not how I want to live the next 40 years. Sitting in an office from 9 to 5 everyday, bound to the desk, having to worry about office politics, getting stressed to meet datelines, headache-ing over monthly bills and yearly taxes...

No, I don't want to lead the same life as what so many people are leading.

Even now, I still have many things I want to do. I know what lessons I want to take, what new things I want to learn. And I haven't let go of my dream to study overseas, even after graduation. Working overseas will do fine too..

But sometimes, I have to catch myself and go, whoa. Am I being too unrealistic? Aiming for too many things, as usual, yet possibly ending up with nothing eventually?

I suppose it's all a matter of self-discipline. If I have to describe myself simply, a lack of self-discipline would hit the spot.

That's the reason behind all the unfulfilled promises, declarations that I will succeed in this, do well in that..

To put it simply, I ruined my own dreams. At least, up till this point in time.

I need to take stock of my life and seriously start considering my options. What I want to do, what I can do. What I should do.

I just need abit more time. To think things through, to leave certain emotional baggage behind, to start training up and keeping the self-discipline and confidence I've been reminding myself to do so, for the longest time.

I don't want to leave this world one day, realising that I've accomplished nothing. Which is technically the case up till now. If I were to die tomorrow, I would have so many regrets. I don't want that.

I'll continue my dreams, big as they may be, and achieve them, no matter how hard it may be.

I won't let you down, neither will I let myself down. You'll watch over me, won't you?..


scribbled at
12:02 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Thursday, April 24, 2008
6:00 PM

And so ends my 3 years in ntu..unless, of course, i don't clear my module. *choy!*

GMS was quite a torture for me, whether mentally or physically. I just hope and pray that ian will sympathise with us and let me get a B. Pleaseeeeee....

Ultra tired these few days, the funeral finally ended today. Juggling between going down to the hospital last week, then the wake, plus studies, is no piece of cake..I think I handled everything pretty badly.

I'm too tired to even think of what I want to type. Not to mention the monthly nightmare which is terrorising me even as I'm blogging..this month's nightmare has so far cost me $62 as a penalty for missing today's driving lesson. Which, incidentally, was supposed to be my first lesson in the circuit. Damn siann.

And now, I don't know if I can make it for tmr's. Seeing as how my cramps typically last 2 days.

This is certainly not how I envisioned my end-of-exams to be. Not the funeral, not the sadness, not the exhaustion, not the worry about exam grades, and definitely not pain from cramps.

I kind of feel like I'm stuck in a vacuum and I see no end point in sight. Don't know what's going to happen from here.

Just lun through the pain first. And pray that I don't have to waste another $36 tmr.

2 funerals in less than four months is 2 too many..

scribbled at
6:00 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Thursday, April 17, 2008
1:10 AM

It's only been a little more than 3 months since daddy passed away, and now I'm experiencing the same deja vu again.

I hate this feeling.

Seeing my ah gong lie on the hospital bed, looking so so much like how daddy did in his final hours..

My heart really broke.

I don't know to pray for a miracle or not. On one hand I don't want him to leave just like that, I really can't take another death of a loved one. Yet, I don't want to see him suffer the way he's suffering now.

Even the doctor said to be mentally prepared. I haven't even fully stabilised my own mental state after daddy left us.

Please don't give me this now. None of us needs it, or wants it. It's too muchh..

I may never have been really close to my ah gong, but I know he really doted on us. Although old age has robbed him of his memory and recognition skills, he's still my dear ah gong.

The one I promised myself whom I would take care of, the ah gong who reminds me too much of my daddy, the conservative grandpa who took pride in his work and silently doted on those around him..

I don't want this to be another cause for regret.

Yet at the same time, a part of me is prepared for the worst. Seeing the symptoms so similar to what I experienced a few months back..while it's heartbreaking, ironically, it's a familiar feeling. And that's the saddest part..

Life is full of harsh realities...and it never rains, but pours..

scribbled at
1:10 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Wednesday, April 16, 2008
6:45 PM

The jap exam is still ongoing, at least for the next hour.

And here I am, sitting in hall and blogging.

All because I completed the paper in 45mins, and waited till the one hour minimum stay limit was up, before leaving the exam hall.

I can seriously say it was the easiest paper I've ever done la. Omgoshh. It's the kind that confirm can score A.


I feel like giving myself a pat on the back, while strangling myself at the same time.

Just kill me now. >_<

scribbled at
6:45 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

1:20 PM

Have I mentioned that I hate ntu's SU option system? *grrr*

Really regret S/U-ing my jap module!!!

I feel as though I can even manage an A- at the end..damn siann. My jap still isn't exactly fantastic, neither am I very proficient in it, but waaaay better than many weeks back, during the S/U option period.

I am super freaking irritated!!

If I really can manage an A or better, or what the heck, even a B, I don't have to place all my hopes on gms.

Which is pretty much a goner.

Tell me, should I be annoyed, or should I be annoyed.

I bet the system will change once I graduate. This always happens. Dammit.

On a sidenote, at least I'm not going into the exam hall later totally clueless. Granted, I probably won't do fantastically well, but I'm sure at the end of the day I can manage a B+ or better..

*stop thinking stop thinking stop thinking*

Saturated already and I don' wanna studyyyy. I can never study on the day of the paper itself. And my paper's at 5pm. Arghhhh.

After today, it'll be gms all the way.

Have I mentioned how I'd much rather study jap?


scribbled at
1:20 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Tuesday, April 08, 2008
1:20 AM

Am left with less than 3 weeks before my final final exam paper in ntu.

How time flies..seems like only yesterday that I stepped into this ulu campus, getting lost trying to find my classrooms and being disappointed with canteen food. And in the blink of an eye, 3 years has passed.

So much has happened, and while I do complain about ntu ever so often, I guess deep down, this is a place which truly holds some wonderful memories for me. A home away from home indeed..

Anyways, exams are a-looming, yet yours truly hasn't started on studying. Note the key word here: studying. Not even revision!! *tears at hair*

Gotten addicted to naruto for quite awhile now; yes I know I'm lagging a few years behind, but I've caught up all the way can you believe it. Cos' I can't! Imagine if I spent all that anime/manga time studying; I'd probably graduate with the best grades for my modules. Bleahh.

I have no idea why but I'm just so addicted to the anime la. Ohmans. Totally unlike me. Though I can be ultra extreme, like not watching any tv or vids for months, then suddenly spending every single day watching certain dramas/shows. Not good!

Guess it's some form of escapism for me..and I like the fact that there's actually a storyline and things to be learnt from the anime. Maybe cos' there are some things portrayed which I feel strongly about, hence the addiction. At any rate, it's not healthy now, given that my first paper starts in..8 days. *freakout to the max*

Had jap listening and oral test today. The former wasn't too bad, albeit a little tricky. The latter, completely cuiiii. Let's not talk about it.

I keep forgetting that I S/U-ed jap, so I really shouldn't be spending so much time on it. I suppose the only good thing which came out of watching naruto at such a wrong time is that it actually helped brush up my jap. And I mean, really really helped. Haha.

Haven't started on gms and don't really have any idea how. Damn sian. Like what ps said, it's pretty much having to do 5 mini presentations in 2.5 hours. Is that sucky or what. Puiii.

Looks like I really gotta get started. Don't even know if I can keep my hons anymore; but as long as I can graduate, that's better than nothing la.

My motivation died the day you left me..sounds ironic, but true. People say that such things happening are just supposed to make you more motivated to live your life well, to do well in things/studies so as not to disappoint, exactly what I've been hearing and what I know daddy would want me to do. But I won't deny that my motivation for studies have died. Completely.

This is the first exam in my life where I don't have daddy to whine to, don't have daddy's encouraging words which I've depended on all this while. The things he'd say to me to make me feel all better, to make me feel motivated and actually want to study. All these, I've done with no one else but him.

I know it's the final exam, my final sem in ntu, what more only 2 papers, as what most people will exclaim. But I really don't have the heart to study anymore. I think I cried too much of my heart out, 100 days ago. And still ongoing.

This may sound stupid, but even until today, I'm still sensitive when people mention their fathers, talk about their daddy. I don't really want to listen cos' it just makes me want to cry, but that's a selfish act. So I listen, and become unable to stop the flood of memories, and eventually, the dam storing my tears just threatens more and more to break. I hate this feeling. I really do. Please forgive me, my dears, if I seem cold and uninterested at times. It just hurts too much to listen. Because once upon a time, not so long ago, I also had a daddy who would do all that, and more, for me.

I'll just lun another 2 weeks plus, try to make myself study instead of escaping into some anime world or the past, and hope that I can score a reasonable grade that won't get me into trouble with my mum/tutor/blah.

Now I finally see it..you were my life's motivation. The driving force behind actions meant for my own good. Things I'd willingly do for your sake, because you loved me and wanted the best for me. I no longer bother to do them now, though I know I should. You were the one person I wouldn't hestitate to give up anything for, and now you're gone.

Can you let me feel that you're by my side, once again?...

scribbled at
1:20 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Friday, March 14, 2008
3:02 PM

Fell asleep with a tear-stained face last night, something I haven't done for weeks.

And I woke up to an sms from jp, saying that his dad passed away last night. The feeling in my heart was nothing short of heavy..and all the emotions surfaced once more.

Just barely 2.5mths ago I went through what he's going through now..my heart really goes out to him and his family. And when I said I understood, I really meant it from the bottom of my heart.

My own pain is still as fresh as though it happened yesterday, the heartbreak still nowehere near healing. I was praying so hard that he wouldn't have to experience this pain but I guess..fate overruled.

Maybe some people will find it weird why I'm showing him so much concern and wanting to help in every way I can, because after all, he's just my project groupmate, a classmate I've known for a few mths.

I suppose for me, it really stems from having gone through the same thing not so long ago. The instinctive need to cushion the pain and hurt as much as possible comes naturally to me..I don't really care that I appear overly concerned cos' I guess that's my purpose.

Every action, no matter how big or small, really matters. Every offer and every condolence msg makes a difference, no matter how heavy the heart. I know just how much I depended on support from those around me, even until today..that's why I want to be there to help whenever the need may arise.

Been thinking quite abit since last night..thinking back to a year ago, when everything was still happy and I had a whole, complete family. Recalling the times before my life turned upside-down. And then, the tears will well up. Haii.

Sometimes I really almost believe that if I hope and pray hard enough, maybe I will see daddy again. Maybe he'll miraculously appear in front of me, even if only for awhile. Then the logical side of me will takeover and remind me that it's just not possible anymore. That's when my heart breaks all over again.

My life now seems normal; filled with laughter, smiles, stress from sch, etc. But it will never really be normal again..I always ask myself why, but I know I will never get the answer to this question.

And somehow, a thought crept up in my mind. Maybe, just maybe, if you had shown more concern during my darkest days, we would still be together. All I received was an sms telling me to stay strong, which everyone else told me, strangers included, but no offer from you to come down. Even if we were no longer tgt by then, I thought that was the least anyone could do, even for a friend. I know I would. And I know of many who would. Even pple like nick called and texted me all the way from usa once he heard the news. I was so touched. I'll admit it now, for the first and last time, that I was damn disappointed. I really expected you to offer to come down; or even if you couldn't come at all, at least let me know that you did intend to. When my mummy asked, I didn't know how to answer. My silence was answer enough; she told me it was a good choice to breakup.

It's sad to say this, but it's the truth. I really intended to consider a 2nd chance for us IF you showed enough concern back then. But I guess not.

Ohwells. It's all in the past now. I'm not going to look back, cos' it's just not worth it. I know I made the right choice, and I won't regret it. No matter how wonderful past memories were, they'll always be kept in one small corner; nothing more.

Because when I needed you the most, you weren't there for me.

Ironically, it's also in times of tragedy, that I really know who are the ones who care enough to bother.

I love my friends; thank you all for standing by me throughout.

And to jp..please stay strong. I know this sounds cliche but it's true. You really have to be a pillar of strength now. I'm still on my journey of healing..I know you can do it, but just take care alrights. My prayers are with you and your family..

scribbled at
3:02 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Thursday, March 13, 2008
10:30 PM

FYP-ed for about 10hours today.

Sian to the max laa. Wahlau. Ultra tiredd now after staring at the monitor since morning.

Had a terrible time walking back to hall just now; the freezing and gloomy weather did nothing to help mans..ended up with a super bad case of emo.

My tears, the rain.

I miss my daddy so muchh. If I could spend just one more day with him, I'll die contented. Really.

Just had a hot shower not long ago..I think that's the highlight of my day so far. The hot water really eased some tension and stress..and washed away abit of the emo. Almost didn't wanna leave the shower cubicle.

I am so sian in hall. I wanna go home, but home doesn't feel like a home. In the first place, it's not the home I've been used to the last 20 years or so. And secondly, none of my family members are in town. This sucks to the maxx.

Why do I have driving tmr. And why do I have classes on fridays.

I want to know the answers to so many questions..

But above all, I just want to have ONE questioned answered. Just one.

Why did you have to leave me?...

scribbled at
10:30 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Wednesday, March 05, 2008
3:49 AM

If only I could be as sunny and cheerful as this sunflower seems, everyday.
PS is right in saying that sometimes, we just gotta be good to ourselves.
I love flowers; they make me feel tons better on a bad day, and make my smile dazzle on a good day. Pretty blooms lift my spirits and chase the blues away..but I hate to see them start wilting..a reminder of how life will always come to an end.
At least flowers don't suddenly die..they go through a rather systematic process of slowly wilting and drying up.
The same can't be said for humans though..one day you're here, the next day you're not. Anything can happen, anytime.
Life is so short..so precious..yet so frail.
I miss my daddy. Sighh.

scribbled at
3:49 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Tuesday, March 04, 2008
11:21 PM

Life can be such an irony..with 2 extreme sides to most things, most people, most issues.

I thought I knew you..but sometimes I feel as though I'm facing a stranger unknown to me.

I know you do care..yet there are occasions when I feel as though I'm last on your priority list.

It's almost as though we share a love-hate relationship.

There are times when all I want is to be in your company..and also times when I can't wait to get away from you and words which hurt. Whether intentionally or not.

What seems like a joke to you, may not be funny to me. And vice versa.

Everything seems to be hanging in the balance when I think of you and I. Like the line between us is so thin, anything can make or break the situation.

I have dreams of us being happy together, and also realistic glimpses into a future where it's either you or me. Not us.

I must admit, for the life of me, I cannot figure out the importance you have in my life. I can't tell if I'm happier having you around me or not. I don't want to second-guess your thoughts and feelings all the time.

And I don't want to guess my own, cos' I simply don't know them myself.

I'm speaking in riddles, and totally aware of it. Cos' to me, you're like an unsolved riddle in my life. A question which I don't know the answer to, and don't know if I will ever find.

I wonder which is the real you...?

scribbled at
11:21 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Monday, March 03, 2008
4:07 PM

Recess week is over in the blink of an eye, and here I am wondering where it went to. Oh mans.

Fyp meeting this morning yielded like a million things we gotta chiong by dateline next week. I do not likeee!! Sighh. And audrey pretty much told us we can't get an A anymore. =(

I think I've been slacking too much; suddenly there's the gms online task PLUS the major major presentation due in 2 weeks' time. And not forgetting fyp of course. School sucks.

Here I am sitting in hall, freezing while the rain is pitter-pattering, yet I'm totally comfy in my own world. It's time I woke up, really..exams are coming like damn soon, and I still know nothing about what it is that I'm studying. Is that like a dead end or whattt...

Mummy and lings are flying to australia this weekend for 2 weeks; my darling sister's flying to japan come monday--where does that leave me? Alone in singapore pia-ing projects and fyp and reports and whatnot. Bleahh.

I can't wait for cambodia trip in july! It's not such a mad idea to go for ocip in place of grad trip right..after all, it's a meaningful trip where I get to help others, plus sightsee and shop in cambodia..what's not to like? The ymca guy seems to think we can't take hardship though..haha. But I'm sure we all can la..this is nothing compared to what the pple there have to go through everyday of their lives.

I really think I'm very lucky..there are times when my mind just wanders on its own, and I'll start to think of how I could have been worse off really..for all I know, I could have been born in some third-world country to a poor family, trying hard to make ends meet and survive one day at a time. That thought is just so scary..I feel really blessed here amongst my family and friends.

Still miss daddy loads..nowadays the memories come without warning, and the tears will threaten to fall in the middle of nowhere. Haii. Last saturday I met bern and shan at little india to buy the garlands for jeff, and that was basically a bad day la. Had a throbbing headache while waiting for them, and after that, going to tekka market didn't help..it seemed like only yesterday when I went there with daddy..the memories are super hard to push away when they fill my mind.

It really takes alot alot of control and willpower to not just break down suddenly..that day, I almost lost that determination cos' I was feeling so, so tired and sick. But I won't do that cos' it'll just give them a shock and it'll make things awkward..what more in public..

Nowadays I just stone and sucuumb to memories when I'm alone, especially during travelling..that period of time I travelled so often with daddy on the train, to and fro the hospital. And the hospital itself is another nightmare place..I almost wanted to walk away when we went to visit jiabao last week. Why nuh of all places..the memories there are the most painful..I'll never forget what the doctor said to us at A&E. And I never want to step into that place ever again.

I really hate the pain and the feeling of tears welling up, threatening to spill. The kind of heartache which time will never heal, and the feeling of loss which will never be filled by anything else. Although I grieve relatively positively and am considered to be coping rather well, what shows on the surface invariably differes from how I really feel. The process is going to take a long time la. In the meantime, hopefully life can continue as per normal..sometimes I feel the urge to force myself to be happy so that I won't think..

Ohwells. It's back to a reality of projects and datelines to meet. Everything else can wait..I just need to fulfil that one last wish for now..

scribbled at
4:07 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Monday, February 25, 2008
1:45 PM

Sometimes I wish you can understand where I'm coming from. Meet me halfway, accept that I'm trying hard, and try along with me.

I've long accepted that you've always seen me as the rebellious, stubborn kid whose purpose in life is to upset you day and night and, as you like to put it, "drive you to your grave early".

How do you expect me to respond? You really think I was born for this purpose huh.

I'm bloody freaking 22 already. How long more do you want to control my life? I'm definitely not ruining it as you always insist I am. Why on earth do you think I'd give up on my studies after struggling for 2.5 years? With only a few months to go, no less. And education isn't free you know. I'm the one who'll be paying back my own mountain of loans. I'd be really really stupid if I were to give up now.

Have more faith in me, please. I have brains which I use to think with. I plan my future and I can see where I wanna go with this part time okay? I can work and study at the same time; if not, what do you expect me to survive on? Grass? It's not like you're working and dishing out allowance to me whenever I want.

I have never asked you for money and I never intend to.

You keep reminding me that I have no more daddy. What's the point of rubbing salt into the wound? Is that the correct way of grieving and rebuking me? I think it's damn wrong to keep bringing up such topics. Tell me what's the point la really.

To you, I'll just always be some kid who refuses to listen to her parents, intent on driving you up the wall till you die early. If you insist on this, there's nothing more I can say. Since everytime I open my mouth with good intentions, things just turn ugly.

Why should I continue to try when you don't reciprocate.

Leave me to my own life please. Since you're so convinced that I'm walking towards hell and a bottomless abyss and basically throwing my life away, the only thing I can do now is to let you see eventually how I'm going to succeed.

Just wait and see yeah. I can't convince you now, so I can only let you eat your words eventually.

Don't think that I like doing this or talking like that. It's not right, but you really leave me with no choice. I'm at my wits' end, really.

I give up.

Not on myself, but on you.

I really hate this. I hate myself for saying all these. But I really can't take it anymore. I'm only human. Please remember the kind of burdens I have too. You're not the only one who's lost someone in your life. So have I.

I'm coping, and doing positive things to help our future. But are you?...

You can hate me for doing this but you'll understand my point of view in time to come.

Sometimes I really wonder about my reason for existence..I'd rather the one to have died was me.

scribbled at
1:45 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Saturday, February 02, 2008
2:00 AM

I've been in hall the entire week without my laptop!! Quite proud of myself, but was suffering from withdrawal symptoms today. Hahaha.

Been wanting to blog about my bday for the longest time ever! Though it was merely 5 days ago. Lol.

Celebrated with my ij darlings last week! Went to this korean restaurant that's ultra ultra near genesis!! Like almost directly opposite la. Goodness.

The food was pretty good!! I haven't uploaded pictures though. Oops. Soon soon soon!!! Then I'll circulate them and post here!! Wheeee.

And the night before my bday, my dear cousins and aunt and all totally surprised me with a cake! No wonder kelvin kor told me to shower slowlyyy...hahaha. Totally a pleasant surprise!

Started my bday with a 4 hour seminar..damn sian but I survived through it! Thought it'd be a stoned bday, but bern and the rest in hall gave me a surprise too!! Ended up with a super cute balloon with bday messages written, a really pretty anklet, and to top it off, a sumptuous dinner at soup restaurant! I love the chicken and soup there. Really yummilicious!! Thanks so much guys..totally didn't expect them to do this for me. =)

Also received a card from the band pple (apparently they haven't forgotten me haha) and em and daniel came over to my room with a gorgeous sunflower bouquet! And afterward I went for supper with zb, serena and pris..it was a really good bday after all. Hopefully this year will be better than the last..that turning 22 will bring less sorrows as compared to turning 21..

I can't quite seem to remember how the rest of the week passed, but I do remember hall fap and borrowing the car to hall. Fun!! Can't wait to get my license haha. Auto car really much easier to drive sia..almost zero stress hahaha.

Shit la I've lost all my blogging abilities. Reading back, this post really sucks. Maybe cos' I'm pretty much brain dead and totally in need of sleeeeeeep. You won't believe how I've been surviving the week. Lol.

So sian. Have to do PA report. Dieeeee. Can't wait to go batam!!!

scribbled at
2:00 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Saturday, January 19, 2008
11:56 PM

Am disfigured and hating it!!!

Okay, so maybe I'm sort of exaggerating. Don't think I can sit here calmly and blog if things were that serious..

Got this sudden rash on my face that started yesterday and got worse..arghh. No idea what caused it and now I don't even dare to apply my usual face products. =\

Saw a doc this morning after waiting for hours..almost felt like giving up mans. At least the doc wasn't too bad..but the medicine he prescribed for me is amazing la.

I've never seen such a minuscule tablet pack so much punch before.

He told me it's anti-itch and will bring down the swelling, the only drawback being drowsiness. He did mention it's quite extreme drowsiness, but this is ridiculous mans.

I suspect the medicine isn't anti-itch actually. It just aims to knock you out cold so you won't feel the itch. Haha. I fell asleep while standing at the bus stop and almost fell. Super kua zhang can!! And after I got home, I basically slept till almost 9pm. I think I'm going to be totally out cold again tonightt.

And the itch hasn't gone away!!! *tears hair*

If it doesn't clear up by monday, I'm not going to school mans..but that will mean missing three GMS classes..shit laa.

Ohwells. Hope it clears up asap by tmr. And partner, hope your eye gets better tooo! Thanks for "nagging" me to see the doc hahaha. Maybe I should have made you queue for me. Hmm. =p

It's going to be back to school and classes..and fyp and whatnot...hope I survive this sem well.. *cross fingers

scribbled at
11:56 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Friday, January 18, 2008
4:28 PM

8 weeks have passed by just like that. Pretty much in a flash, though at times the day feels like forever.

I still remember pretty much hating my first day at work, liking the 2nd day, then suddenly after that, work just didn't seem so bad after all.

It got better and better, not to mention, plenty of fun with all the nice pple I work with. =)

Such a mixture of feelings now on my last day..officially, that is. Still don't know if I'll be coming back to work as a temp.

Much as I whined about certain tasks and the occasional heavy workload, I'm really going to miss this place and the pple here..things on the level have just gotten more lively, then I'm leaving. Haiyo.

But ohwells..there will be others leaving and new pple coming in too..I guess I really will miss this internship experience after all. And the pple!! Definitely. =)

Not quite looking forward to school cos' paying attention during lessons and going haywire over projects just don't appeal to me anymore. Though I do enjoy life as a student and the freedom it gives me. Ohwells, final semester already, might as well make full use of it. What are the chances that I'll get to enjoy life as a student like I have been doing..haha.

Life's more or less settling into a new kind of routine..and I'm adapting faster than I expected myself to actually. Not really grieving and upset all day long..on the contrary, I'm pretty much my usual self, feeling happy once more, just that many many things and places still bring back memories.

I guess I'm doing what I define as "positive" grieving..I'm constantly reminded of past happy memories and somehow, when thinking of all the happy times we used to share together, it's just wrong and difficult to be sad and cry cos' they really bring a smile to my face. Plus, daddy wouldn't want us to cry and cry. I can just imagine his exasperated look and warning not to overdo the grieving. Haha..

So yes, I'm coping pretty well and I think I will continue coping this well for the rest of my life. Cos' although some say that time heals all wounds, the scar will always be there. And certain kinds of wounds will somehow act up time and again, no matter the time lapse.

Thanks for all your concern dearies! I'm still up and surviving, no problems there. Just keep me entertained when I ask you to and don't forget my existence. =)

The past week, I've been thinking of quite alot of stuffs..and one conclusion I've finally reached is that I should really give in to my urges to be spontaneous. All the things I've always wanted to do and places I want to go..I tend to indulge abit in daydreaming, then somehow, I just end up tucking them at the back of mind, forgotten, till the next phase of impromptu daydreams come along.

Don't want that any longer..partly cos' this is the real side to me I've kept hidden for so long, under pressure and afraid to disappoint. I love spontaneity, and I don't want to force myself to lead a routine life any longer. Life is short and you'll never know what will happen. I don't wanna end up with regrets when it becomes too late for me to do what I want.

Okay la, so the things I wanna do are quite duh, nothing ultra adventurous like skydiving or skinny-dipping haha. Just simple things which bring simple joys..and travelling! I'm really having serious plans about doing quite a fair bit of travelling before/after I graduate..including grad trip! Daddy probably wouldn't like my way of thinking, but I'd like to think that I know what I'm doing and what I wanna gain from this.

I quite envy friends who can just book an air ticket, pack a few things into their bags and just leave for some country the next day. I wish I have such freedom too..working towards part of it. Haha. I'd love to backpack in southeast asia and europe..and visit usa too..so many places I wanna go and see!

Money money..haha. Should seriously think of getting a temp part-time job while studying this sem. Hmm.

Okay boring post I know. But I'm abit bored tooo. Haha. Shall try to sync myself back to school mood this weekend and catch up on whatever I've missed!

scribbled at
4:28 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Wednesday, January 09, 2008
11:18 PM

Been feeling quite emo lately for the most obvious reason, plus that time of the month just came, so it's double whammy. Kind of cramping as usual..and a little unstable cos' I'm reminded of how daddy used to be so concerned about me whenever I cramped badly.


Still feels kind of surreal and unreal and dreamlike sometimes. Especially when I'm not home; at work, it feels as though everything was just like 2 weeks ago.

I wish it was.

The tears seem never-ending..though I think I'm already crying alot less than I expected to. But it still hurts so badly..like it'll never heal.

I look like a puffy-eyed panda. Ohwells.

I long so much for the past, wishing I can turn back to a time when things were happier. I keep recalling past memories for fear that I'll forget them one day..and in the process, making the heartbreak so much harder to heal..

I miss how you'd shake me awake in the mornings for school.
I miss having breakfast with you.
I miss the time we experimented making dumplings and lamented over the outcome.
I miss the way you'd peer from behind your glasses with a "huh" look on your face.
I miss your concern for me whenever I cramped.
I miss how you used to bake bread for us.
I miss seeing you painstakingly brew my medicine for me.
I miss your yummilicious cooking and innovative recipes.
I miss the way we'd bitch about lousy tv shows.
I miss how we could talk about anything and everything under the sun.
I miss the way I'd share my problems with you and always felt better after that.
I miss how you'd advise me about life.
I miss hearing you share your ups and downs with me.
I miss having you nag at me to sleep early.
I miss the times you'd drive me to hall, and how we'd wave goodbye endlessly till you drove away.
I miss seeing you fall asleep in front of the tv.
I miss the times you'd gently comb my hair for me when it looked messy in public.
I miss the way you used to pat my head affectionately.
I miss how you'd hold my hand to jaywalk across a busy road. Even when I'm as old as 21.

Above all, I miss you mostt.

So many, many more things I miss. Memories I never want to let go.

Just like how I don't want to let you go.

I don't want to be strong anymore..I don't want to be a pillar of strength. I don't want to keep it all in and cry to myself when I'm all alone..I'm tired and I want to let it show. I don't want to hurt..I just want you back daddy..

The darker the night, the nearer the dawn...

scribbled at
11:18 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Sunday, January 06, 2008
12:53 AM

Real heartbreak is when you lose the person you love the most; your best friend, your confidante, your role model..the one person you'd sacrifice your life for.

I prayed so many times over, pleaded and begged and cried, but they didn't work in the end.

I still do wonder now if I've accepted reality, or am I still living in memories of the past, hoping against hope that maybe, just maybe, I will wake up one morning to find it was simply a bad dream.

But I guess he picked the right day..31st december. When the week before, somehow, unplanned and unarranged, everyone from both sides of the family came to visit, to help us out, to urge daddy have a speedy recovery..

I only wish that he could have seen the cranes we folded..

We sent him off with 1,740 cranes. The well-wishes and prayers of so many pple..all adorning the coffin. Thank you so much everyone, who helped try create the miracle that sadly didn't materialise.

Thank you all the same..

And thanks to all my dears..your condolences and well-wishes..and especially to those who came down to the wake, even more so to those who came down almost everyday. Sorry if I didn't talk to you much, or I brushed you away after the cremation..but just knowing you all were there really helped alot, alot.


It was a bittersweet reunion..to see his long lost friends appear one by one..putting aside their work, their matters, contacting one another to see daddy for the last time..I'm sure he was really, really happy. He wanted so much to see you all again. Although it had to be under those circumstances, I'm glad his wish came true.

Delivered an eulogy which some told me was good and touching..I hope it did sufficient justice..it really wasn't easy. But I'm glad I did it..

Actually I don't really know what I'm typing. I guess I just want to say a big thankyou to whoever who came down to help, both physically and spiritually, to those who offered their condolences. Thankyou for keeping my daddy and my family in your prayers. And my dearest relatives especially..we can never thank you all enough.

But most of all..I want to say the biggest thankyou to my daddy. For being the bravest person I've ever known, never giving up or resorting to painkillers of any sort..for being the most wonderful father who showed us love through actions and not just words..I love you for who you were to everyone who knew you, and anyone whose heart you touched in more ways than one.

I love you for being there for us unconditionally, for walking through the last 21 years with me, never ever far from my side..

I love you, because I do.

You'll be dearly missed and always loved..the memories will never be forgotten.

Take care on your new journey, just like how we're starting life anew in this new year. Just like how you would have wanted us to.

Byebye daddy, thankyou for everything; I love youu. *huggs

May fate bring us back together again, whether in this life or the next..

scribbled at
12:53 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Saturday, December 29, 2007
1:47 PM

Just realised that my blog is ultra lacking in photos! Though I've been camwhoring quite abit. Haha!

Shall backtrack to the xmas gathering last week! Ultimate funnnn. =)

My favourite picture. =)

Really had a super fun time there! Pity there were only 5 of us..can't wait for the next gathering when everyone will be together!!

Met up with joan, xtina, jeannie and andy last night for dinner! A small gathering before joan flies off to UK once again..it's so ironic that even those of us in sg don't meet up when she's away..joan's like the glue or something. Haha.

Anyways! A picture collage here to summarise the outing. Dinner at Ma maison was far from filling! Chilled out at starbucks after that while watching joan and andy "fight" as usual. Lol.

Will miss you joanie darling! Cya again in a couple months time. =) *huggs

Suddenly feel lazy to blog though I thought I had plenty to talk about. Shall just leave this entry mostly pictorial and save the words for another time.

Can't wait for countdown with my darlings!! =))

scribbled at
1:47 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]

[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]

have seen my daily craps =]