Monday, April 28, 2008
12:02 AM
And so lately, I've been hearing questions like,

"Any plans after graduating?"

"Have you found a job?"

"What's your dream job?"

"What are you planning to do?"

"What companies have you applied to?"

And the list continues.

It's pretty scary stepping into a whole new chapter in life.

For the first time, one that does not involve studying. Unless, of course, I don't intend to work, and instead just continue studying. A tempting option, but not practical for now.

Throughout my growing up years, I've had big dreams. Some are so huge, you wouldn't believe that I could dream them up.

I guess I grew up primarily with music and language. Yet, I excel in neither. Probably of a mediocre standard, at best, slightly above average.

I've been lucky. Being exposed to music lessons since I was a small girl, developing a love for reading and language since I was 4 or 5..having the support of my family to play in school bands despite their neverending worries over my suffering grades.

Looking back, I wonder what I spent all that time doing.

Instead of perfecting what I could have possibly excelled at, I became a jack of all trades, and a master of none.

I suppose, looking at myself from an outsider's point of view, I can understand why people around me, my parents in particular, have always been somewhat hesitant whenever I mention that I want to do something new, learn something interesting.

I'm pretty ashamed to say that I've really proven their worst fears true by excelling in nothing I've promised to work hard in. Ohmans.

It's time I took stock of my life seriously.

I still have my big dreams, the musical dreams involving playing with orchestras, the linguistics dream of mastering languages, the dream of living a life where I love my work, something I'm passionate about, yet I don't have to sacrifice having a life just to earn money to live comfortably.

In singapore, that's pretty much a tough call. It's almost always a tradeoff between earning money and actually having a life. I'm not counting going home to sleep, having dinner with family and watching tv as having a life.

That's not how I want to live the next 40 years. Sitting in an office from 9 to 5 everyday, bound to the desk, having to worry about office politics, getting stressed to meet datelines, headache-ing over monthly bills and yearly taxes...

No, I don't want to lead the same life as what so many people are leading.

Even now, I still have many things I want to do. I know what lessons I want to take, what new things I want to learn. And I haven't let go of my dream to study overseas, even after graduation. Working overseas will do fine too..

But sometimes, I have to catch myself and go, whoa. Am I being too unrealistic? Aiming for too many things, as usual, yet possibly ending up with nothing eventually?

I suppose it's all a matter of self-discipline. If I have to describe myself simply, a lack of self-discipline would hit the spot.

That's the reason behind all the unfulfilled promises, declarations that I will succeed in this, do well in that..

To put it simply, I ruined my own dreams. At least, up till this point in time.

I need to take stock of my life and seriously start considering my options. What I want to do, what I can do. What I should do.

I just need abit more time. To think things through, to leave certain emotional baggage behind, to start training up and keeping the self-discipline and confidence I've been reminding myself to do so, for the longest time.

I don't want to leave this world one day, realising that I've accomplished nothing. Which is technically the case up till now. If I were to die tomorrow, I would have so many regrets. I don't want that.

I'll continue my dreams, big as they may be, and achieve them, no matter how hard it may be.

I won't let you down, neither will I let myself down. You'll watch over me, won't you?..

=)

me
scribbled at
12:02 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]