Friday, March 14, 2008
3:02 PM
Fell asleep with a tear-stained face last night, something I haven't done for weeks.

And I woke up to an sms from jp, saying that his dad passed away last night. The feeling in my heart was nothing short of heavy..and all the emotions surfaced once more.

Just barely 2.5mths ago I went through what he's going through now..my heart really goes out to him and his family. And when I said I understood, I really meant it from the bottom of my heart.

My own pain is still as fresh as though it happened yesterday, the heartbreak still nowehere near healing. I was praying so hard that he wouldn't have to experience this pain but I guess..fate overruled.

Maybe some people will find it weird why I'm showing him so much concern and wanting to help in every way I can, because after all, he's just my project groupmate, a classmate I've known for a few mths.

I suppose for me, it really stems from having gone through the same thing not so long ago. The instinctive need to cushion the pain and hurt as much as possible comes naturally to me..I don't really care that I appear overly concerned cos' I guess that's my purpose.

Every action, no matter how big or small, really matters. Every offer and every condolence msg makes a difference, no matter how heavy the heart. I know just how much I depended on support from those around me, even until today..that's why I want to be there to help whenever the need may arise.

Been thinking quite abit since last night..thinking back to a year ago, when everything was still happy and I had a whole, complete family. Recalling the times before my life turned upside-down. And then, the tears will well up. Haii.

Sometimes I really almost believe that if I hope and pray hard enough, maybe I will see daddy again. Maybe he'll miraculously appear in front of me, even if only for awhile. Then the logical side of me will takeover and remind me that it's just not possible anymore. That's when my heart breaks all over again.

My life now seems normal; filled with laughter, smiles, stress from sch, etc. But it will never really be normal again..I always ask myself why, but I know I will never get the answer to this question.

And somehow, a thought crept up in my mind. Maybe, just maybe, if you had shown more concern during my darkest days, we would still be together. All I received was an sms telling me to stay strong, which everyone else told me, strangers included, but no offer from you to come down. Even if we were no longer tgt by then, I thought that was the least anyone could do, even for a friend. I know I would. And I know of many who would. Even pple like nick called and texted me all the way from usa once he heard the news. I was so touched. I'll admit it now, for the first and last time, that I was damn disappointed. I really expected you to offer to come down; or even if you couldn't come at all, at least let me know that you did intend to. When my mummy asked, I didn't know how to answer. My silence was answer enough; she told me it was a good choice to breakup.

It's sad to say this, but it's the truth. I really intended to consider a 2nd chance for us IF you showed enough concern back then. But I guess not.

Ohwells. It's all in the past now. I'm not going to look back, cos' it's just not worth it. I know I made the right choice, and I won't regret it. No matter how wonderful past memories were, they'll always be kept in one small corner; nothing more.

Because when I needed you the most, you weren't there for me.

Ironically, it's also in times of tragedy, that I really know who are the ones who care enough to bother.

I love my friends; thank you all for standing by me throughout.

And to jp..please stay strong. I know this sounds cliche but it's true. You really have to be a pillar of strength now. I'm still on my journey of healing..I know you can do it, but just take care alrights. My prayers are with you and your family..

me
scribbled at
3:02 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Thursday, March 13, 2008
10:30 PM
FYP-ed for about 10hours today.

Sian to the max laa. Wahlau. Ultra tiredd now after staring at the monitor since morning.

Had a terrible time walking back to hall just now; the freezing and gloomy weather did nothing to help mans..ended up with a super bad case of emo.

My tears, the rain.

I miss my daddy so muchh. If I could spend just one more day with him, I'll die contented. Really.

Just had a hot shower not long ago..I think that's the highlight of my day so far. The hot water really eased some tension and stress..and washed away abit of the emo. Almost didn't wanna leave the shower cubicle.

I am so sian in hall. I wanna go home, but home doesn't feel like a home. In the first place, it's not the home I've been used to the last 20 years or so. And secondly, none of my family members are in town. This sucks to the maxx.

Why do I have driving tmr. And why do I have classes on fridays.

I want to know the answers to so many questions..

But above all, I just want to have ONE questioned answered. Just one.

Why did you have to leave me?...

me
scribbled at
10:30 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]