Saturday, December 15, 2007
10:20 PM
This week's finally come to an end..guess I'll kinda miss the freedom I had at work the past 5 days. But wells, time has passed pretty fast in some ways..end of 3 weeks of attachment! 5 more to go..then it's back to sch. Siannn.

Learnt how to u-turn during driving today. Realised that my mistakes always start to kick in after I learn something new. That's when I forget the basics like engaging the clutch when I'm braking. >_< Ohwells. Hope that it'll get better with more lessons!

On my quest to fold 1,000 paper cranes..finally found out the reason behind this particular number. It's supposedly said that if you fold a thousand cranes, your wish will come true! So now, I'm aiming to hit my 4 figure mark by 1st Jan. New wish, new hope for a new year. I need help people!! Cos' more pple contributing means more luck! That's what I read la. Hope it's true..I'm currently only a fifth done. Long way moreeee.

Dinner with my number one that day was great! Somehow I can just talk to him about anything and everything under the sun..and I'm completely at ease with him. Haha. We really should do this more often..thanks buddy! You never fail to cheer me up and brighten my day. =) And no matter what..come what may..regardless of a day when I get attached/married whatever..you'll always be my one and only number one! =))

Thinking of my friendship with him makes me wonder about something else..whether guys and girls can really exist purely as platonic friends. I've always believed so..just like kc and I..but it seems that I've experienced the opposite toooo.

Guess that's one of my biggest regrets..and something I still don't fully understand, till this day. Why did our friendship suffer the moment she entered the picture? I don't know if you ever treated me as a good friend, though that's what you were to me, but I do know, as did everyone else around us know, that we were close. So what if you were attached? It's not like I didn't know. And I knew her tooo. What an irony.

So why why why?..We just drifted so scarily apart and just never talked or had meals together etc anymore. It takes 2 hands to clap..no matter how you're a guy of very few words, I know you're not the type to just let go of a friendship. Okay, fine, we're still friends, in name more than anything else, but I feel like you're a stranger to me. I don't know how to talk to you anymore. It just feels so...wrong.

I don't even know if you'll realise who you are..if you even do read my blog. I just want you to know that I really cherished our friendship of the past. Something tells me that perhaps you didn't want misunderstandings to occur, that's why you opted to drift. But that's a lousy solution. If you really cherished this friendship, we would never end up this way..

Maybe, just maybe, it's my wishful thinking all along that our friendship could withstand the test of time. After all, how well do I really know you? We appeared close, but how often did we really talk heart-to-heart? Perhaps you actually knew me more than I've ever known you..

I want to revive the friendship, make it like before, but I guess it's impossible. You have to want that tooo. If that's the case..I at least thank god for having brought you into my life, even if only for awhile. I'd long given up harbouring thoughts of anything more than friendship. I certainly don't think of that now. But wells..just to let you know..you're missed by me. Really..

This is such a saddd turn of events la. It's been bugging me since yesterday..for some reason. But wells, I guess that shouldn't be my priority now. Daddy's started on the 42 days fasting programme and we're only into the 2nd day..I'm ultra worried about the remaining 40 days. That's such a long way to go..and he's always in pain. Sighh. Yet can't take painkillers..I don't know mans. Really don't know what the next few mths will bring..

I'm so tiredd. Physically more than mentally I guess. Didn't sleep much..but it tends to spill over to the mental. Wonder how long is this gonna last. I feel like I have so many things on my mind, so many committments, yet at the same time, I need my own life or I'll go crazy. But having my own life makes me feel guilty. Arghhh.

I hate fyp. I totally can't concentrate and I don't know what the fuck is going on. Feel damn completely out of whatever's going on, apart from the really occasional sms. And email. And that's about all. Was trying to do research and I actually had to stop to recall what the topic is. Omggg. Am I dead or whatt.

I have this urge to take a really really long nap and not wake up. Or wake me up and tell me it's just been a dream, a nightmare that I'm not bringing with me into reality.

What a fun way to turn 21..to be hit by storms from start till now. Let's hope turning 22 won't be half as bad..

Trying really hard to appear happy. Help me before I fail..

me
scribbled at
10:20 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Tuesday, December 11, 2007
12:27 AM
Really think I'm too hotheaded for my own good at times.

I understand the logic behind the importance of communication, and I can happily rattle them off to pple or try to help others using what I know and believe in, yet I don't practice what I preach. Arghh.

The morning could have started out good but I just had to go and spoil things by picking a fight with my mum. Why why why. Goodness la. Ended up ruining the atmosphere and leaving home in a huff. Worst was seeing daddy trying to make things better despite him being the one feeling unwell.

Sometimes I really wonder what kind of daughter am I.

Thankfully the matter resolved..with something as simple as an sms. Certain things you can never let pride stand in the way..if I'd insisted on carrying on a cold war, it wouldn't have done any of us good. Worst of all during a time when family support is the most important.

With each event/issue/incident that happens, I guess I learn some, grow up a little, mature slightly more. Fortunately so.

Ohwells, the unhappiness is over! Blew over fast and quick..much to my surprise, but totally glad about it. Shan't complain further..it was mostly my fault I guess. Interestingly though, I really did apply some concepts I learnt about communication in school. And they helped! Haha.

Anyways, I hope that the decision daddy's made will prove right and reap the results we want to see..his doc sounded pretty buay song that we decided not to opt for admission after all. Can't blame her but wells. At least she respected our decision.

Been reading tuesdays with morrie again; can't remember if it's my second time, or more. It's a good book, one of my favourites, really. Maybe cos' it tugs so much at the heart and sounds so real..especially now, I feel that I can identify with it in a way I never could in the past.

Reading about some things which happen throughout the course of the book is pretty much deja vu with regards to what goes on in my life. Not identical, but similar enough to create some form of impact, evoke hidden emotions.

Almost finishing the book; need to move on to another once I'm done. And I don't mean trashy novels or entertaining books with nothing more than an intriguing storyline.

I want to read something with substance, a book which carries within it valuable lessons, or even a story which I can identify with. What's it to be, I wonder. Recommendations, anyone?

Am submitting to the gluttony I managed to hold under control awhile back. This always seems to be the problem when I'm caught up with many things to handle at any one point of time in life. I just resort to food and to eating. Goshh. This has got to stop..I know just how much risk I'm putting myself in by indulging in my whims and nonsense cravings.

Geri needs self-discipline...seriously.

Into 3rd week of attachment and this week promises to fly past pretty quickly. Niceee. What with a public holiday next thursday, incidentally lings' ROM as well, and xmas the following week, I think I have enough to look forward to for the really short run! After the new year starts it's gonna be boring counting down to end of PA though..no holidays after 1st jan!

Okays bedtime soon. Don't wanna be a zombie at work tmr. Going to be so boredd la. Entire team not around, and lindy will be away in KL. Ultra lonely day! Shall go in later since I have nothing to do so early anyways. Only thing good while they're away is the flexibility I'm allowed with regards to working hours! Yays.

In need of a chillout session..and going to get one coming friday. A much needed one. Can't wait! =)

me
scribbled at
12:27 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Monday, December 10, 2007
12:07 AM
I really think I have the sweetest boss ever. Really.

Emailed her awhile ago to inform her I'll be going to work late tmr cos' daddy needs to be admitted..just in case there'll be some urgent emails coming in which require immediate attention. And my ultra ultra nice sup called me all the way from where she is now to ask if everything's fine, and to assure me that work should be the least of my worries.

In the first place, it's kind of late for her to be checking company email. In the second place, overseas calls aren't cheap. I guess my point is...she didn't have to do this..but she did.

I'm really touched..lings is right to say I'm a fortunate girl. I really am. And to think I was so apprehensive about work at the beginning..haha.

I don't think work can get very bad with a sup like her to look out for me in all areas..always thanking me for helping her do stuffs when they're really my responsibilities in the first place. Looks like attachment isn't going to be so hard to endure after all. =)

On a sadder note..I don't know how to react to the hospital admission la. I've always considered it the last resort; okay so maybe the doc just wants to check for infection and to monitor his current condition, but at any rate, it doesn't spell anything good to me.

And it's going to upset the entire programme daddy's been on for quite awhile..I really don't know mans. Just when I'm starting to believe in natural healing and all things that aren't medicine, in the end, we still rely on western medicine..it helps you in the short run but so what? It's the long term effects that are a cause for worry.

Yet now..I don't even know how long term can we look forward to. It's like taking things one day at a time. I don't dare to hope for too much, cos' the higher your hopes, the greater your fall. But still I pray all the time for a miracle.

Ohh what wouldn't I give just to see daddy healthy again..but unfortunately, things don't work this way in life. You can't just exchange this for that, unlike when you make a purchase. When something you buy becomes faulty, you have warranties to fall back on. You can argue your way through with an exasperated salesperson who eventually does an exchange for you.

But in life, I can't exchange my life for his. I can't shave years off my life and transfer them to him. I can't opt to suffer in his place, though if I could, I really would.

I've always felt that no matter how bad things get at times, life, in general, is fair. What you lack in an area, you make up for in another. But sometimes when the situation looks so bleak..you really start to question the inevitable why. Why me, why this, why that..why is life so unfair..I must admit that at this point in time, I don't see much of the fairness I've always believed in.

Feeling of being caught in a dilemma..as I was telling jeff ytd, on one hand, I want to face reality and be prepared for the worst. But the other part of me refuses to believe in the worst; I still hold on to the hope of a miracle somehow. This feeling really sucks. I feel guilty thinking of the worst, but when I look at the situation now..we'll really need a miracle of the hugest proportions to tide us through.

Okays this is getting way too depressing. I don't wanna end up sounding all upset and moody on this blog all the time. Haven't had a chance to blog in my new blog add cos' I've yet to settle on a nice skin. But the blog add's already been up for awhile..

When I feel that I can go ahead with something new, I will. Kind of gotten attached to this blog after such a long while.

To you..thankyou for those words yesterday. I could really feel the sincerity behind them; and though I don't know how much of it you meant, the fact that you told me this means alot. Really. It brought the first genuine smile to my face yesterday. =) Whether or not you need it, want it, require it, I'll always be here for you too..that's a promise. *huggs.

me
scribbled at
12:07 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Sunday, December 09, 2007
9:45 PM
Thought I could spend the coming week working from home, but apparently not..need to go back office to do a whole load of stuffs!! Damn sad la. Was looking forward to a break away from the office..ohwells.

Friday was a damn busy day for me..from stepping in at 9am till I left office at 7plus. The fulltimers left before me laa. Goodness. But wells, it felt pretty good to be doing something productive and helping out with stuffs..felt pretty much like an admin assistant though. Hahaha.

Driving lessons are getting baddd..started out pretty alright yesterday, but learning about blindspots completely confused me and I started making stupid errors. Think I gave my instructor plenty of heart attacks la. I even got scolded..damn sadd. =(

I just can't seem to drive straight..keep having the tendency to veer to the left and almost crashing into the kerb. And drivers behind me were all so impatient. Bahh. Starting to get damn stressed during driving..maybe I'm not cut out for manual after all. Ohwells..just try my best and see how la. Hope I can get my license soon and show daddy..

Speaking of which, daddy's condition is getting worse..and his on-off fever is worrying. I don't know what to do, but I do feel slightly better at being able to help in some small ways. Still, I don't feel it's enough. I hope I can finish my 1000 cranes and that they'll bring about a much-needed miracle..*prays

And to a particular someone..I do hope you'll recover soon yupp. It's still not too late to realise the importance of good health..I know it all too well..please cherish what you have and not throw it away. Anyways..whatever you told me that day..I didn't expect. I thought your feelings died a long time ago..and that going our separate ways was what you really wanted. I don't know if we can ever have a second chance, and I'm not about to make any promises. Whatever's meant to be, will be. It could be that you're thinking of me cos' you're at your most vulnerable now..I don't want you to mistake it for love. But yes, some things can't be easily forgotten. Having moved on doesn't necessarily mean having forgotten everything..it just means that I don't let the unhappiness bother me too muchh anymore. Whatever happens, just be happy alright? And get well soon..

Hope I can go for my xmas steamboat and sleepover..but looks pretty unlikely. Still, my darlings, have a good time alrights! And tell me all about it haha. And I'm super touched by shan's xmas card..thanks so much my dear. Those words really mean alot to me..huggs. Love the group of you..you're all my BFFs!! =)

Hope the coming week will be a good one..just wish I could accompany them to the doc's tmr. Haii. Too bad I need to settle work in the office..ohwells.

More updates in the coming week. Praying for all things good..and looking forward to xmas. =)

If only you're someone I can really talk to...

me
scribbled at
9:45 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]