.shut me out from this world.

Friday, June 01, 2007

10:02 PM

Went back to see dr. lee today cos' the pain still hasn't gone away even though my med finished a few days already..thought it'd just be a simple follow up and collection of the antibiotics as previously agreed upon.

Didn't turn out so simple in the end..bahh.

After going so many circles round and round, wondering what the pain is due to, he realised that it seems to be my lymph node causing trouble again...like the very first time. No idea what's it due to..everything seems to be in check. No flu, no sore throat, not sick, nothing..arghh.

In the end, he very cautiously brought up to me the suggestion of going for an ENT clearance. Sighh. Was hoping I wouldn't hear something like that.

So instead of antibiotics as expected, I left the clinic with a referral letter to a polyclinic. Which will then refer me to a hospital. Probably tan tock seng ENT department..

It's like deja vu mans. I still remember accompanying daddy to the polyclinic then for his referral. Then the subsequent hospital visit, the biopsies and all...

I don't want. =(

I won't deny that a part of me is scared..not only is the procedure yucksy and probably painful, the result is the scarier part. Not knowing what lies ahead..not knowing what exactly is the problem..but at the same time, like what dr. lee said, put an end to it and settle the problem once and for all. If the clearance proves fine, then maybe it's just a niggling infection that keeps bothering me..which I certainly hope is the case.

I don't want to think of anymore different possibilities. It's been enough for a day..

I almost didn't want to tell mummy what dr. lee said. Just leave it at that and lie to her that I got my antibiotics or something. But I know I can't la..it's just that letting her know will make me feel worse. Cos' she always seems to assume the worst, whether knowingly or not. Not that she says it outright. It's more of..I don't know. The way she asks questions, and how she just had to keep reminding me that daddy has cancer, and so did his mother, and blah blah..you get the picture.

Whatever it is..I'll just take things one step at a time! Get past this week first, get past monday, then maybe I'll pay the doc a visit on tue with my letter..and see what he has to say. Maybe a different diagnosis? *shrugs

Anyways, this maddeningly enormous insect flew to my table and terrorised the hell out of me la!! I almost ran out screaming hahaha. In the end, the thought of that thingy flying around my room and rooting around my stuffs was too much to bear, so I armed myself with a stack of newspaper. Followed it around as it flew haphazardly. Resisting the urge to run out of my room every 2 seconds. And then whacked it!!

I swear it's the hugest thingy on goodness knows how many legs I've ever seen. And the legs!! Omg they were long like nobody's business can! All the way to don't know where. Freaking yucks!! Never seen it before in my life. And hope never to see it ever again. Eww. Feel quite bad for taking a life, but..I really hate insects and creepy crawlies and the likes. Shudders.

Okay, that's enough excitement for today. I hope there's no more to come. I have enough on my mind now.

Wish I may, wish I might. Have the wish I wish tonight...

me
scribbled at
10:02 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Monday, May 28, 2007

12:44 AM

Just got back awhile ago from watching pirates 3...it's alright la.

Super lengthy movie sia..could have been shorter. Haha. But I guess it's worth the money, so to speak.

Still wanna watch my spidey though. Sighh.

Things will never be the same again.

They haven't felt the same in a long, long while.

I thought that after reading what I wrote, you'd flare or something. Instead, you acknowledged that perhaps I do know you best after all, and asked me out for dinner. That gave me a glimmer of hope. I thought that maybe, just maybe, we could talk things out.

But I guess, the movie got in the way.

Nevermind, I will wait till after 8th june for your final answer. When and if you ever decide to sort out your personal life.

Thanks to dear friends who've asked after me..after us..if everything's alright. Surprisingly, it's the guys who pick up on these vibes rather than girls. What does this say, I wonder.

Anyways, I need to start booking theory test. Been talking about it for ages, but zilch action thus far. Oops.

Am inspired and encouraged by qilun passing his driving test today! What more at ubi centre. With the supposedly hard to pass roads. Haha.

But anyways, thanks for telling me to make things work out. I sounded quite pessimistic I know..but I'll try la. Hopefully I won't have bad news for you in a month's time like I predicted. Maybe it'll be as good as you telling me you passed your driving. Haha.

Yesterday was a pretty good day cos' I earned about 4hours of pay without doing much at all. Turnover for AGM was messy as usual, and we didn't manage to break the last record time, but at least we were within the time frame.

I think I shouldn't be tasked to help out at the buffet line again. I seemed to add more to the confusion than anything else. Haha. So messy and haphazard!! Chairs in the way la, tables not enough la, tablecloth gone missing la, wrong serving gear la...goodness. It was mayhem. And that's putting it mildly.

At least what ensued wasn't too bad. I mean, the guests were horrible as usual, but I had a good working partner to work in sync with me at our side of the ballroom. Plenty of crap to entertain me too. Thanks lun ah. Hahaha.

Lucky didn't do closing...the mountain of plates and tubs of cutlery and towers of glasses were enough to drive anyone mad. Not to mention the stink. Yucks. Haha. Am getting lazy..I think after doing closing for awhile, anyone will become lazy. Lol.

No more work until sat!! And so, no more moolah. Ah wells. I'll survive.

It's late, and I'm tired. Only got 4hours of sleep last night. Thank goodness tmr isn't an early day, unlike today...was up before the sun rose. Haha.

Super long day at the hosp today. Poor daddy had to endure the longest ever chemo today..5hours was crazy. And I certainly hope he won't need the feeding tube as well...but the way things are going...hai. We're just counting down to the last day..

I suddenly find my mind rather disconcertingly blank. Thought I had alot to blog about. Or maybe I do, just that the issue is an old one, what's more a sensitive one to boot, and this probably isn't the best place to trash things out.

Let me think things over a little more calmly. I need to wait for awhile more. A few more days. About a week plus. Then I'll see how everything goes.

You should know what I mean.

If it's meant to be, it will be. I have no more energy to be defiant against fate. Show me the way, and I will follow. Just please, minimise the hurt. It's been enough...

Goodnights.

me
scribbled at
12:44 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
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