Friday, May 25, 2007
2:55 AM
Still awake cos' my hair isn't dry yet..

Worked till transport today! Nice to have functions ending ahead of time. So I get to go back earlier. Haha. Although that also means less moolah..then again, I don't have to pack up store and all. Lol.

Today's event was similar to yesterday's, but today's crowd sucked 10,000 times worse. Bahh.

They machiam treated us like octopus instead of humans can. This despite us having the same 2 eyes, 2 ears, 1 nose and 1 mouth. Singaporeans are truly an ugly bunch to witness at times.

We all obviously have only 2 hands, but they think we have 8. And everyone seems to take it for granted that we're their personal waiter/waitress or something. I have to juggle like at least 3-4 different orders and requests at the same time, rushing from one end of the ballroom to the other, running here and there, trying to figure out who's who in the crowd of a few hundred.

It ain't easy money. Service line in singapore is truly not recognised enough. The hours are horrendous, the work is tough, the pay is measly..and on top of that, we have to put up with ridiculous customers and guests while expected to maintain proper service attitude befitting a "world-class" country, and smiling at everyone like they're our god of fortune.

Rubbish mans. Pui.

Anyways, the only eventful part of the night was the tub falling off the trolley. Imagine a huge tub laden with breakable hex bowls sitting atop a trolley..rather precariously. But none of us expected it'd drop. And it just had to drop right at the edge of the ballroom. Bahh.

It was almost in slow motion sia..the trolley tipping to one side, then the tub falling onto the carpet with an almighty crash that stunned the entired ballroom. In the past, I would probably have looked embarrassed and chagrined, but just now, I think annoyance was written plainly across my face.

Not to mention, pain. The stupid thing fell and I tried to grab the edge of the tub, but obviously the sheer weight of the tub and bowls would have been too much for me to handle. And so I ended up with bruised knuckles. It still hurts now la. And there's a red mark which serves as a reminder. Arghh.

I guess that spoilt my mood the rest of the night. Not so much the tub falling, or even the annoying guests, but rather, a particular someone's attitude and facial expression.

Half the time when I say I'm not angry with you, it's a lie. Really.

I was quite put off by your attitude towards me after the tub fell. Was it my fault that the tub wasn't placed properly on the trolley in the first place?

And I was trying to help out there. Did you really think I could prevent the entire tub of bowls from falling if I wanted to? Does it look damn light to you?

Things happened so quickly, I already tried to lessen the inevitable damage. Plus, I got hurt in the process. But all you cared about was muttering about how the people behind (a.k.a ME) should have balanced the trolley and the tub.

I was damn pissed. I won't deny it.

But it's over. Forget it. My anger has long subsided.

You're just different from the past already. Towards me, in particular. If you hate seeing me at work so much, or hate that I always seem to be getting in the way or something, then please let me know. I won't work on days when you are working in future.

Just stop snapping at me for no reason and furrowing your brows, giving me the obviously exasperated look when which I don't feel that I deserve most of the time. I have no idea what I do which earns me that look of irritation. I'm equally annoyed, and for a very good reason.

I'm not a lousy worker there, and I know it okay. You are good, I don't fault that. But I'm not that bad myself. After almost an entire year of working there alongside everyone else, I think I've proven my worth somehow. If not, I wouldn't still be here.

So please, please stop making me feel like everything I do is wrong. It's damn hurting and embarrassing, especially when you tick me off in front of others. I hate it. But you seem oblivious to it.

Ohh forget it. It's over.

Bedtime soon.

me
scribbled at
2:55 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Thursday, May 24, 2007
3:57 PM
I think I need to help out with the housework more often. And stop waking up so late.

Mummy sleeps as late as me, but she's up at the crack of dawn every morning..while I keep snoozing and switching off my alarm clock. Bahh. *guilty look

But I feel quite accomplished today!! Helped to do some dishes and scrub the mud and grime off chestnuts..something I haven't done for a long time. It's seriously not easy haha. Standing there for the better part of an hour scrubbing and scrubbing..and making sure it has to be ultra ultra clean cos' it's for daddy to drink! But no complaints there..cos' i'd rather be tired than have mummy stand there scrubbing them.

I think she must have gotten up super early to clean up the kitchen. And do the laundry, plus sew back the droopy buckle on my skirt! So sweet of her. Mummies are the best. Haha. They notice things that others won't, and do work uncomplainingly. I love my mummy! Even though I always make her angry. Haha. But grudges don't last beyond a day or two. Lol.

My darling sister dropped us a bombshell last night. That careless girl lost her flute a few months ago, and after speaking to her "sweet-tempered" conductor yesterday, who was apparently in a good mood (rolls eyes), they came to the conclusion that she's supposed to pay back $2k. Like wtf??

That flute is 4 years old okay. Even after getting another trade-in flute or whatever, she still has to pay $2,000?? It's madness I tell you. Isn't there this thing called depreciation? Like over the estimated life of that instrument. I don't believe their flutes cost such a bomb to begin with. Tell me it costs $10,000, and I might agree she ought to pay back $2,000. But it's obviously not worth so much. I'm not stupid la.

And she happily accepted that amount, even saying they already "haggled" over the price. Like real la. They got a flute to replace it, and she still has to fork out $2k?! My point being, if we're rich and all, I don't give a damn. $2k then $2k, so be it. She lost it after all. But we're in no position to pay that kind of money sia.

I seriously have no idea where that sum of money is going to come from. Drop from the sky? I need to work like goodness knows how many bqt functions before I can earn that amount. Now I'm the only one working in the family, and it's on an ad-hoc part time basis. I'm earning to feed myself and pay for other necessary household stuffs!! If I'm mean enough, I'll make her pay for it herself. But really la, where's she going to get the money. Obviously we have to pay back for her. Grrr.

Should have seen daddy and mummy's reactions when they learnt about the $2,000. If I had a choice, I'd rather they didn't know about it. I can easily settle it for her now, all at one go, just that it'll empty my bank account and I won't get to learn driving. Plus foregoing emergency money. So, no go. Not a good idea now.

I just need to work more. Maybe save half of everything I earn each function, and with some luck, we can repay half the amount by end of this year.

Why did she have to lose that flute????!!!

Sighh. Huo bu dan xing. It never rains, but pours. I truly understand the meaning of this now.

Anyways..going to work later! After going to the hosp. Must rush again. Haha. Then I'll be sleeping in hall tonight..cos' doing closing. Cannot let mummy know, or she confirm scream at me. Never once told her I work till as late as 3am. And even later sometimes. Haha. So I just tell a white lie and say I work till 1am. Lol. Anyone who reads this and knows my mummy, please don't tell her and get me into trouble hor. Hahaha. Working tmr night too..closing again..then it's band on sat and back home..and another function on sunday night. Then the weekly routine will repeat again come monday.

Am gonna miss my lappie while I'm in hall the next 2days. But can't bring it to work la. Not safe. Will just have to use the hall computer!

That's all for now!

me
scribbled at
3:57 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Monday, May 21, 2007
1:38 AM
Today wasn't too bad a day..

As usual, spent the entire day at NUH. Getting to be a sort of monday routine. Haha. Becoming extremely familiar with the cancer centre and radiotherapy centre. I even recognise almost every nurse and doctor there. Hahaha.

Daddy's mood was pretty good today!! And that makes me happy. =)

We talked some after dinner, and I'm glad that he's at least trying, for his own sake, as well as ours. I know it's plenty toughness, but I still believe that determination and optimism are the key. I just need daddy dearest to believe in this too!!

Medicines are really so duper expensive. Everytime I go there, and the doc prescribes some new kind of medicine for daddy, we just never fail to be shocked at the price quoted. Imagine one capsule costing more than a hundred bucks. Just ONE capsule, mind you. For a one time consumption. Goodness!! We almost fainted from shock. But no choice, still have to take. Ah wells.

We're at the halfway mark!! Jiayou daddy jiayou!! You can do it! Remember dr. tan and dr. rajesh's words k. I will keep reminding you all the way!!

We love you daddy. Don't ever give up! *huggs

Apart from trips to the hospital on an almost daily basis..I don't really know how exactly I'm spending this hols. I feel quite...slack. Somehow. Like there's this gap that I don't know how to fill, don't know what to do. At least this week, I'll be working on most nights. That's income, though little. And takes time off my hands. Just that mummy's gotta take care of daddy and the house by herself when I'm not around. But the prospect of moolah is too good to pass up.

I want to go out and enjoy too, have fun..it's almost as though I've forgotten how it feels like. I read my friends' blogs and see their updates on their lives, and I feel a mixture of happiness and sadness; happy that they're having such a good time, happy that they're happy, yet at the same time, I'm sad that the same can't be said for me, and also envious that they have what I hanker after.

But life is, after all, transient. Such things are but experiences and memories eventually. I, too, have experienced such happiness and carefree-ness before. I hope it's enough to last me through for awhile.

And to you...

I don't know what to make of our relationship. The words you stated matter-of-factly, almost rudely, to my face that night..they really hurt. Cut deep into my heart. It was as though they were so carelessly thrown out for my understanding, not taking into account how I might react, not bothering if that was even what I truly wanted to hear..

But your apology erased most of the anger and disappointment. Towards the end, when you walked away, it wasn't anger that filled me; rather, anger gave way to sadness. And a certain inexplicable sense of regret and helplessness that the situation couldn't have turned out otherwise.

Sometimes, I feel as though you're much harsher on me than you are to others. Maybe it's because I expect to be treated differently, much differently, just like long long ago. But I don't receive it any longer.

I always say, words once spoken, can never be taken back. So, always weigh carefully what you wish to say, before actually saying them out loud to someone. No matter how many words of apology you give afterward, the damage is already done.

You don't want to hurt me, that I know. You know the words about to leave your mouth are going to anger me, hurt me, cut deep into me. But you say them anyway. And really, my heart breaks each time something like this happens. But I always forgive you after that, because I can't bring myself to hate you, to chase you out of my life. Even if you can bear to do that to me.

I don't ask for anything. All I ask for is that you can be here for me when I need you. Now's the time I need you the most. But instead, I've had to deal with heartbreak on top of everything I'm currently facing.

I don't want to argue with you anymore. It saps my limited amount of energy. I want to greet you with a smile and share our times together with joy and laughter, and not fill it with anger and harsh words, only to part in tears.

I don't know whether to be happy or sad that I knew most of the answers to your truefriendtest. Is it really an accurate reflection of how well I truly know you? You have friends you've known a long time, much, much longer than I've known you, scoring lower than I did. But so what? Does it necessarily mean I know you more than they do?

I know the real answer, and so do you. The questions posed were easy to find out, with a little probing, some keen observation, abit of memory work. I guess in that sense, I know you fairly well.

But what I truly want to know, is the real you. Your heart, underneath all that exterior.

And mine, too. I want to know my own heart. I seem to have lost track of it.

I was tempted to create my own test. Hope maybe you could take it too. But I don't dare. Because I don't have the confidence that you really know me well enough, even if just on the surface. It's so ironic. I had the confidence to do well on your test. To better the score your longtime friends scored. And I did. But I don't have the confidence that you'll feel the same towards mine.

And so, rather than be bitterly disappointed over something so trivial, yet so meaningful, I figured, why not just let it pass. Don't create a test, simple as that. Ignorance is bliss.

I'm not trying to point fault at you here in this uber long post (longer than originally intended). I'm just finally putting to words the emotions which have been running through me for the longest time. Your blog entry dedicated to me really touched me. I thought, I hoped, that things would change for the better. As long as you remember your promises to me, nothing will have been in vain.

I just hope that you do, and you will. I will continue waiting patiently.

You once told me that you cherish me more than you cherish our relationship. I didn't understand it at first, although later I did. I don't know to be happy or sad that this is your take on us.

All I want to tell you is, I cherish both you and our relationship equally. Because our relationship hinges, in part, on your happiness. Cherishing you is wanting you to be happy. Cherishing you is wanting the best for you, even at the expense of myself. But most of all, to equate the two, as I have, cherishing you is cherishing our relationship.

*ilu

me
scribbled at
1:38 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]