Friday, March 23, 2007
1:16 AM
Supposed to be doing my individual assignment for 213 now, but I can't concentrate..in a lousy mood and feeling pretty guilty.

I don't know why am I such a meanie..I must be the meanest daughter alive. I show my mummy attitude sometimes, and I'm less patient with her than I am with my daddy..much less patient. She struck a chord in me just now when she said that I'm very impatient in talking to her.

I felt damn bad immediately cos' it's true. So I didn't say anything..I didn't know what to say. And I couldn't very well defend myself cos' I'm the one in the wrong..I really don't know why am I so snappish with her at times. Sighh.

Maybe its pms and also the fact that I have so much to deal with at the moment..not that she doesn't. I guess in some ways, the stress on her is much, much more.

I'm such a bad daughter. =(

But it's a fact that I am way more tolerant and patient to my daddy. Not just now, because of the situation; all along it's been like this. I haven't been able to figure out why, but I think I have a rough idea now.

Their character differences is one thing..I can relate better to my daddy's way of thinking in general. I find it harder to think on the same wavelength as my mummy..much as I try. And I suppose there's also the fact that she's a woman and when a woman nags, it can be one of the most irritating things ever. I feel this way even as a woman myself. I can understand now the times when jy got annoyed with me for nagging at him. What doesn't seem like nagging to me in actual fact constitutes nagging to him. Same goes for my mummy. When she nags at me, my tolerance level dips super fast and I get all annoyed and riled up easily. Hence resulting in the impatient and snappish tone.

Sighh. Is it all my fault? I guess a large part of the blame falls on me.

And obviously, my daddy nags way less than my mummy. And even if he does, it's just different. Different tone and all. I don't feel as annoyed cos' he doesn't nag the way a woman does. I don't know how to explain it, but I'm pretty sure that almost anyone reading this will somehow know what I mean. It's an innate thing about women I guess. Nag nag nag.

I must practice greater tolerance and patience..she's my mummy after all. I love her loads, but I get too emotional at times and let anger get the better of me. I'm still learning..still trying..give me a chance please..

I'm sorry mummy. =(

Anyways..I've managed to defer my PA. I don't know if it's the right choice, really. But it seemed totally right at the point of decision-making. I felt so full of conviction that it's something I have to do..and so I did. Prof Soh is really nice..she replied my email so quickly, giving me the answer I hoped for..but when I received it, somehow, I didn't feel that happy. That's when I started wondering if maybe what I'm doing is not the wisest decision.

There are people who support me, but there are also those who remind me if this is really what I want. Weighing my options and calculating the pros and cons of both situations..I believe I made the right choice. I wouldn't be able to concentrate on my PA anyway, if I went ahead with it this sem.

The implication of convocation is quite sad, but it's something which I must give up if I make this choice. Of course I want to see my own name in the convo book; who doesn't want to see his/her own name under a particular graduating batch? Sadly though, I won't be seeing mine under the graduating class of 2008..I shall not think about that anymore. It's not a necessity, I keep telling mysef. Memories can be held on to in other ways. Take more photos, write more letters..I'll just not buy the yearbook when it comes out.

I just hope that I can attend the same convocation ceremony as my cohort..and receive my degree the same time as they do. I know I'll graduate at the same time, in name, but I want that physical cert as well..to attend the ceremony with my friends, feel the happiness in graduating together..

Although I said it doesn't matter to me, deep down, it really does. If it doesn't, why would people treat convocation so seriously and look forward to it so much? I've been visualising how my own ceremony will be like since I entered uni..looking forward to the day I can officially proclaim that I'm a graduate..and now, I don't know if that chance will be postponed because of a decision I just made.

Amazing how deferring PA can have such consequences huh. Yet, I can't give in to these and therefore opt not to defer. Cos' I know if I do that, I might live to regret it. Anyways, the decision's been made, the school's been informed, I've been withdrawn from phase 2 so..no point in thinking about all this. Since I'm the one who decided on this course of action and asked for it to be approved, I can only look forward, and not back. Make the most of my choice and hope that all goes well. That I won't have opted to defer for nothing.

And hopefully, next May, when I finally undergo my PA...everything will proceed smoothly. If I can finish PA before convocation date, I can still make it to attend the ceremony with all my friends. Pray for me.

But now, more importantly, I'm keeping someone else in my prayer. The next few months are going to be the toughest yet; I really hope the 4 of us can unite together in this time of crisis and overcome the obstacles together.

I don't want to cry anymore, cos' everyone says I've gotta be strong. I can't crumble cos' if I do, I don't know what will happen. More importantly, I must be a pillar of support too, cos' he's going to need us so much.

I promise I'll be there every step of the way. We all will. We'll fight all problems together and come out of it, stronger and more positive.

In the meantime, I'll try my best to study hard. This sem feels cui; halfway through I already knew this sem is the worst by far, my grades are gonna take a beating. But now, I need a miracle. I've prayed so much and asked for so much, but I really, really need a miracle for my studies. I don't want to disappoint, but I know I will. I just pray it won't be too bad.

I feel so lost while trying to be strong. I don't know what direction I'm facing anymore. I'm so tired.

But I promise to try.

Don't tell me to be strong; teach me how.

me
scribbled at
1:16 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Monday, March 19, 2007
1:06 AM
The tears fell again.

I just sat in my room and cried today. All this just before i was leaving hall to go for lecture.

I'm so tired.

And I just had an outburst.

Msn was totally against me.

I couldn't see his replies; he thought I wasn't replying on purpose. But I really didn't see anything.

I'm pms-ing.

Life isn't good. I want to say I love life, everything's going fine, but it's just the opposite.

I don't know what wednesday will bring.

I'm scared. The fear within me is so real, so strong, so overpowering.

I don't want to come to sch. I want to just stay at home.

I want to cry all the time.

I need support. I need love. I don't feel these.

The person supposed to be there for me, isn't. I receive no words of encouragement which come from pure concern. I don't get phonecalls from you asking about me.

I don't know how much longer can I hold on. My studies are a wreck. Exams are coming, but each day passes in a blur.

I haven't started my projects, haven't researched my parts, haven't done my assignments, tutorials. Don't know what's tested for exam, what's going on.

Don't know when's exam starting. I only know it's in less than a month.

Save me, somebody?..

='(

me
scribbled at
1:06 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]