Wednesday, October 04, 2006
4:53 PM
Emerald reminded me last night that I haven't blogged for quite awhile now..which is true. Not that nothing happened; quite alot has happened in fact. Good and bad, happiness and sorrows, laughters and arguments...but I've been pretty lazy in narrating them in words. Haha.

Spent my recess week doing mostly hon gen stuffs. The week really went by me in a flash; didn't do any studying, yet at the same time, I hardly went out to have fun too. Like what ps said, at least she went out and had fun. Really got me thinking as to what I did during those 7 days.

Okay la, so being sick sort of dampened my break week too..felt mostly sian and bogged down by stuffs. It's so amazing how, if just one person doesn't fulfil his or her duty, it drags everyone down together. And that's amazing in the bad sense. Not pointing to anyone in particular, but all I can say is that the contact lists really gave me a headache of my life. I was already having to battle physical illness, then still had to waste so many messages and so much time waiting for replies from pple who obviously didn't realise how impt their info was to me. It was, in short, damn irritating. And really pissed me off. If I had my way, I'd just make every single person go for prac on one day, then lock the door and refuse them exit until they've filled in every one of the 11 columns on the contact list.

Yes, I know I'm grumbling and complaining, but it's my blog, so just allow me this luxury. There's no one else for me to whine to.

The same question has been running through my mind endlessly...was it the right choice? Unlike the last comm, this comm doesn't strike any sense of unity or solidarity in me. Maybe it's too early to tell, but I'll say this: I feel more like a bystander among the 13 of us, rather than someone part of the group. And I don't feel like making any efforts to blend in. Ohh, blending in can be easily done; bonding is much harder. And I don't feel anything in me wanting to bond. It's not laziness. Nor do I have anything against any individual member. But there's just this very tangible distance apparent to me...maybe I'm just being sensitive.

I won't deny, though, that I'm no longer that enthusiastic year 1, unclear of how the comm functions. Duties now are still impt, just that of a different nature. Having matured in the year that's passed, having gone through situations and experiences and turmoils I'd rather have avoided, maybe the cynical side of me has been awakened. After all that I've tried to keep it down, tried to prevent it from clouding my private thoughts. There's good and bad in everyone; maybe it's just me that I see the bad more than the good these days. Including in myself.

I find myself starting to open up less and less. I don't want to revert back to the old self I was for so many years. I miss the side of me in jc, the few mths before entering uni, the 1st yr in uni. Everything feels so different now. I can't think of a single person I would wanna confide in now, apart from jy. But even so, there's only so much he can take. I'm homesick more often now, and I feel like some recluse. Meetings to me are just taking of minutes and listening; much less talking as compared to before, and definitely no more enthusiasm. I just wanna get back and do my stuffs after it ends.

I complain more these days. Feel bitter more easily too. And start remembering sad memories which I'd rather forget.

I feel happiest at home around my family..that's where my life comes back to me.

You're right, I've really changed..I've become less lively, more lifeless, making you feel like you've been dragging a dead horse around. I never did like that analogy, so I felt insulted initially when you applied it to me. But viewing myself from the perspective of a 3rd party now..I can only agree with you. I'm seldom the cheerful girl I once was..I take things harder now, and my mind is constantly in overdrive for the wrong reasons. I pick fights with you for no reason, and I show my displeasure one too many times. Sighh. I know you want me to find back myself; I want that too. I'll try, okay?

Someone told me that I'm a brave and strong girl. He has always said that about me, and while it may not be wholly true, he isn't very far off. Nowadays, though, the tears come without warning, when in the past I could control them with just abit of determination. I cry easily, I cry for no reason, and I cry hard. Of all the things to do, study, play, go out...I cry hardest.

Gosh. Didn't plan for this entry to end up sounding like that. But I guess that's really what's on my mind. Wanted to blog about mundane stuffs like the forensic test that just passed, and bitchy project group mate..but I guess not. My fingers have a mind of their own.

Sometimes I wish I can just turn back time. Maybe I'm really taking on more than I can handle, so much so that it's all starting to manifest in tempers and tears and unhappiness. I don't like to be unhappy, I don't like to cry.

I want to smile genuinely once more, laugh and be carefree.

Run amongst a field of yellow sunflowers and feel the wind in my hair.

I'll try.

me
scribbled at
4:53 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]