Wednesday, August 16, 2006
4:32 PM
Sian.

Managed to add forensic science as GE yesterday and I was pretty relieved cos' can finally clear 2 electives this sem. Didn't get it when I applied for it earlier, so I guess I'm lucky this time round. Was supposed to take with ps cos' she also applied for it and she got it..but it turns out that practically her whole og's taking it too, so she went for lec with them. So much for thinking I'd have company for lec every week. Don't exactly wanna chap in with them cos' I dunno them wad. Weird for everyone I suppose.

Saw many familiar faces at the audi cos' the enrolment for this mod is simply huge. But everyone else is with their own friends whom I dunno..looks like I'm gonna hafta sit through the next 10 over lecs by myself. Sighh. Why aren't my friends taking this mod with me..then at least I'd have company. As it is, I'm not even in the same tutorial classes as them for cores already cos' they didn't want a 3day week like ps did...dunno if it was such a gd idea after all.

Forensic's pretty interesting..but still sian cos' there are like 700 over pple around me, but I got no one to talk to. Not used to it la. I must have pple to yak to and to keep me awake...maybe I should have counted on looking for other friends to go with instead of assuming that if both ps and I got the module, we'd sit tgther at lecs. Ohh forget it. I'll just survive by myself. It's just a lec after all.

Going to put up posters in nie soon. Then it's band again. I shall rethink my plans for band after concert ends. Maybe it's time I stop being active in sth I've been doing for the past 7 years. & years is a long time and I'm really tired now.

me
scribbled at
4:32 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Monday, August 14, 2006
11:38 PM
One of the few times I'm back in hall so soon after band prac.

Didn't stay to pack up cos' jy was rushing to go home and I had to pass him sth from hall. So, pia-ed back to hall instead of staying behind like I usually do. Part of me felt bad leaving while the percussion instruments were still around on the stage, and others helping to keep chairs and all...but I guess the other side of me won out. Don't really care what the rest think already. So what if I'm a comm member, so what if it's my duty to stay till practically the whole band has left, leaving only the same few pple each time.

After having done this for about a year, I really need a break. The pep talk nic gave us during break didn't help either. I know I shouldn't have run off in the middle of some pracs the past few mths to go work functions, but what other choice did I have? Of course I know my duty as a comm member. But what the fuck, we care for the band's welfare, we tend to their every need, making sure everything comes first for them, then what about the 13 of us? Are we not humans too? I sacrifice my time for the fucking rest of them, have to feel guilty each time I leave early and nic gives me that look, and have to think twice about missing band even if it's for a valid reason. Tmd. It's gotten to the point that I even have to feel bad about missing band just so that I can go earn my own allowance. If not, who's going to support me? And pple keep giving me the same shit of asking my parents for money. Sorry, it doesn't work this way for me. I'm not as lucky as those who just stretch out their hand and hundreds of dollars fall into their open palms every week or month. I don't even get hundred a month. I pay every single fucking thing for myself and I've exhausted my savings completely. Is it not right for me to want to work? If not, what? The band members gonna contribute to a fund in my name? Wake up man. This isn't a fairytale.

Or maybe it's my own fault after all. Who asked stupid me to join the comm? If not, I wouldn't be in such a dilemma all the time now. The problems I face, no one knows. They think I look happy-go-lucky, heck care about other stuffs, absorbed in my own little world. Yeah, absorbed I am. But it's in my own fucking world of problems. I don't think it's unfair to think that I deserve a break. I'm damn sick and tired and of putting up a front in sch all day, when I go out, when I see my frens. Pretending to be happy and to look excited and all just so that no one will ask me what's wrong. As it is, I've been getting alot of statements about how tired I look all the time. It's so darn tiring, it can acty kill. The only time I get to myself, I can even count on one hand. Now's one of the rare times I'm in hall before emerald so I can cry all I want and not have to bother about what she thinks. For that very same reason, I refused to look at jy just now cos' I didn't want him to see my tears. I simply couldn't control any longer.

Today's the most tiring day I've had in ages. 8hours of lessons since 8.30am, with 6 straight hours in the afternoon. And this is gonna continue every monday from now. Talk about mon blues. It didn't help that nic was pissed that jy and I didn't inform him we would be late for band cos' of the percussion elective. It's, like, fuck man. All the times I'm early, who actually says a thing? I'm late for, like, once or twice and I get a black mark against my name? Maybe I should just tape down whatever I do the whole day, so I can acty let him see that I had every single fucking intention to rush to band straight after percussion. Just grab a uber quick dinner then pia to nanyang audi. But jy told me that dinner is dinner, and we've had a long day. We shdn't sacrifice that for band. So I listened to him. Only to earn me a black mark. This world is screwed. Utterly fucked up. And I belong in it. Fuck.

I hate this. I hate how everything is turning out. I hate having to worry about how to support myself financially without letting my parents know just so that they don't have to add me to their list of ever-growing burdens. It's just not fair to them. But I suffer as a result. And I have so many more problems that are unsolved. I haven't had this feeling in ages, the feeling of being so hopelessly lost and utterly depressed that I just wish everything will end. Or maybe it's just a serious case of pms. Whatever it is, it sucks and I hate it.

I don't know what am I turning into, and it's scaring me. I don't like it one bit but I have no choice. There's nth and no one to turn to. I'm really at my wits' end this time.

='(

me
scribbled at
11:38 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]