.shut me out from this world.

Friday, August 11, 2006

2:49 AM

I'm seriously getting to be pretty nocturnal.

2.30am and I'm still wide awake. Maybe I should have gone home instead. Miss home all of a sudden..it's like my safe sanctuary away from anything that troubles me. Except, of course, if it's family probs that weigh me down.

Yesterday was a..weird day. To say in the least. Weird referring to my wildly-changing emotions which left someone pretty annoyed yet helpless.

Sorry. >_<

Pms never does sit well with me. When I pms, I become entirely another geri. I become unreasonable, sullen, moody, silent..I expect the whole world to give in to me, and I don't care what the pple ard me are doing. It's always just about me, myself, and I. Bad bad attitude, I know. Extreme case of pms I suppose. It's not always this lousy..but yesterday I was really a cranky girl in need of space and lots of understanding. Felt that I didn't get that at first, hence the little dispute. Sorry about that..I'm glad everything resolved in the end. Can't have ended our day on a miserable note.

Feel quite pensive lately. Over what exactly, I'm not sure. Nowadays, many thoughts run through my mind faster than I can say "huh?"..and I'm not liking it. It cuts into my train of thought and distracts me easily. I don't like myself when I'm distracted and when a general feeling of helplessness overwhelms me; been feeling predominantly this way recently. Sighh.

There's someone I wanna sms but I don't dare. How stupid. Ha. Pluck up my courage and type that few words. Sounds easy, yet it's so difficult at the same time.

What am I saying. Gosh. Losing it and just babbling non stop. Signs of exhaustion, disappointment, sadness, helplessness, moodiness..I sound like a wreck.

I hope I don't become one. Fingers crossed.

Long day tmr. All I can say is, happy to finally have a saturday morning off. The first in..2 weeks? or 3?

Bqt till closing tmr..I don't mind working till late. I like it in fact. Somehow at bqt I feel that I'm immersed in an entirely different world. A world which I feel comfortable in because I'm in control of what I'm doing. Though I'm subject to the requests of guests and orders given by my supervisors, I'm happy doing them, carrying them out. The feeling is just different. Maybe it's because the pple there still don't really know me, and I, them. There isn't anything to expect from me, except to carry out my duties and to execute them well. Even from supervisors like sean and rasiff...I just try to do what they want me to do, that's it. There's nth else I have to account for. I don't have to worry that I did sth which displeases them and they don't wanna talk to me, that some action of mine disappointed them greatly to the extent that they can't forgive me. There, everything seems happy and easygoing and fun. I don't take the work there lightly, but all the same, I'm happy in the company of the rest. Even if I still don't know them well and feel like an intruder at times. At least I don't feel unwelcomed. I don't feel stressed seeing them and talking to them. Wondering what they think.

It's tiring to put up a front.Different front for different pple at different times. I feel like such a hypocrite. But the real me isn't as optimistic as I try to paint myself to be. Advice I give to others, I can't seem to understand and apply them to my own life. What an irony.

Sometimes I just wish I can sink into oblivion and let depression overcome me. It's so hard to live sometimes. You don't know what's going to happen the next moment; pple expect so much from you yet you don't know how to measure up. You try and try, but it never seems enough. The reasons you give, they view as excuses. "Sorry" sounds apologetic to you, but useless to them. And once you disappoint in one area, it's like a death sentence being meted out. I've had enough of the numerous death sentences I'm facing, and have faced. I have only one life; I can only die once. I want to live it best as I can, be as happy as possible, but it all sounds so easy coming out as words. To actually allow that to happen...I need more than just faith. I think I need to find back myself. The self I want to be, rather than the one I'm slowly becoming.

I'm tired of sitting down at my table or bed and stoning at nothing, yet with a million thoughts racing through my mind. I'm afraid to slow down cos' I'm afraid of what I'll miss. But if this goes on, I'll just breakdown one day. I can feel the cracks already. Made more evident with each tear I drop. The tears come so easily now when in the past, my willpower could keep them at bay. Now, I have no willpower to speak of. The tears just come as and when they like. In the shower. On my bed. At my table. Along orchard road. In the bus. I just have no control over them anymore.

I'm so tired. I just wanna cry and cry till I have no more tears left.

me
scribbled at
2:49 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

1:53 AM

Ohmygosh. Haven't blogged in, like, ten thousand years. Haha.

Sch's started, though only lectures. So 1st week more slack. Or maybe not. Had the recruitment fair booth to tend to and all...spent most of mon and tue there. Thank goodness tdy's a public hol..managed to spend quality time with my family! Really haven't been spending alot of time with them lately..esp during the hols. Not as much as I shd have, thanks to all the rubbish and committments I had. Foc la, band la, intersem la, this and that...all kinds of things that occupied most of my time. As a result, I had super little time for friends also..my 2903 babes..my ij clique..other friends..Hai.

I'm really so sorry to keep turning down group outings cos' of a clash in schedule..it's happened more than just once; plenty of times in fact, but believe me, I don't feel good saying no to you pple. Cos' I really wanna meet up with you all, go out and have fun and not worry about this proposal, that email, calling this company and that and everything else..going for band pracs and stuffs..but I really bo pian. Please understand my situation..who doesn't wanna spend time with their friends? What more friends I don't always get to meet up with. Every outing is impt to me, but for the hols that just passed, I'm sorry to say I had other committments and priorities which I had to place above friends, even above family at times. Mel, I hope you're not still pissed with me over my absence during the sentosa outing. You really did seem mad over msn and the tagboard. I suppose it's no point explaining any more cos' it just seems like excuses on my part, but just know that there's no way I would ever wanna stop meeting up with you all k? Cos' you are all my good friends, pple I've shared wonderful times with, company I have many great memories of, and simply friends I love and hold close to my heart. I don't know if you'll read this, if you even read my blog anymore, but well, that's all I wanted to tell you. Hope everything goes well when we meet at xtina's chalet on sun. *crosses fingers

Anyway..unhappy things aside, I'm just glad that foc is over. Less one headache, though it was pretty fun for the 5 days. Didn't interact much with sirius, hardly know their names and they certainly treat me like a stranger, but nvm. See how la, if I can start making it to og outings and all, maybe things will get better. But by the look of things currently, what with band pracs 3 times a week and concert coming up..I think it's pretty unlikely in the next 3 weeks or so. Sighh. Another group which I have to reject. Sadness.

Tutorials start next week..dunno how this sem is gonna turn out. All I know is, I really gotta work my socks off if I still wanna be able to aim for hons. Will need a whole lotta self discipline and mugging..but I still have to do it la. Keep telling myself to tahan another 2 yrs, study hard for, like, the last time in my life before I enter the working world..hai. I know I need to study hard la okay, I know my grades in year 1 sucked and are nowhere near acceptable, and I know it's stupid of me to refuse to take electives which could possibly give me a B+ and above. But I have my reasons for doing so. The elective isn't going to run away; I can still take it next sem and use it to improve my grades. So pls don't take it that I'm totally unconcerned about my lacklustre results and your concern for them. Cos' I know it and I appreciate it. You're a wonderful friend, really. I know where your advice is coming from. But trust me, I know what I'm doing. And I have my reasons for doing so. I have personal reasons and problems of my own which prevent me from pursuing exactly what I shd be pursuing. So pls just give me this sem, at least this one sem, to settle them partially before going full force into studies next sem onwards. Okay? But if there's one thing I have to tell you, it's thanks for everything. You don't always show it, but your concern for your friends come through in ways which we can tell. And appreciate. Thanks, really. I just hope that minor "dispute" we had won't affect anything..cos' I feel that things are abit strained at the moment. Hai. What a load of problems to add to my ever-increasing load.

At least there's always someone there for me whenever I feel overwhelmed by them and have no one to turn to..thanks dear. If not for you, I think I'd have gone crazy long ago. Although you don't always say the right things, or the words I wanna hear, you being there for me is enough. Thanks. =) *huggs

I realised this entry sounds sort of...sad? Pessimistic? I dunno la. Just everything that has been bothering me. Weighing on my mind, and I can't seem to get them off. And the one other very impt issue that no one else knows...that no one else can know. I don't understand why things have to turn out this way sometimes. Trials in life are supposed to help you once you overcome them, but in this case, my biggest trial at the moment, I seriously have no idea if it can be overcome in the near future. Or if at all. I need all the strength I can get, cos' I need to have enough for 3 pple. If I crumble, they will fall with me..and if that happens...then it's a dead end. So, I can't have that happening..can't say it sucks to be me, cos' I'm lucky in many ways, really. Just need to inject more optimism and sunshine in my life to boost my morale.

I should stop typing. It gets worse the more I type. And when I'm tired and upset, the tears threaten to fall more easily. Yikes. Okay, late already, and I have lecture tmr. Though it's at 1230. Argh I'm talking rubbish and I don't know why. I'm just glad tdy wasn't a bad day.

I love my daddy and mummy. Thanks for being the ones always there for me no matter what. You two are the most impt pple in my life and even if I had to lose everyone else in my life, I'll nvr lose you..*huggs

Please guide me through, somebody. Just don't let me fall into darkness and I'll be fine...

me
scribbled at
1:53 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
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