Tuesday, December 13, 2005
4:42 PM
I wish I could just take a break from everything. I should have just stayed on in hk and never came back for the next year or sth.

Everything's clashing with everything else and nobody understands how I feel. No one at all.

At least I've made something clear to myself. For the moment, my greatest committment is to ntusb. If not for the fact that I'm in comm, maybe my committment would lie elsewhere. The day I joined the comm, I knew that it would mean utmost committment, even more so given my post. However, I didn't ask for it to clash with other stuffs.

I should never have agreed to be cp for next year's foc. Mingbao made it seem so easy when she said that I could always put aside foc matters and tend to band matters should the need arise. And this is exactly the situation that I've landed myself in. Except it isn't easy to get out of it. Not at all.

As for abc subcomm...I think it's anyday now that they're gonna kick me out. I wun blame them for doing so; after all, I was the one who promised that I'd keep dec free for subcomm. But I couldn't keep to my promise at all. Cos' I really didn't expect the clash of events. That aside, my 2 most pressing problems are band and foc.

Sigh.

I had alot of fun at foc this year...that's why I wanna bring the same amt of fun, or even more, to the freshies next yr. That's one reason why I joined the maincomm. I also wanna share the enthusiasm of people like shuting and kevin, to get to know the other maincommers better, to bring out the image of myself as someone being committed to what she does. In this case, committed to foc comm, helping out to raise funds for foc next year, taking part in karang guni and all that. But I can't, I really can't. Not that I dun want to. Also, missing out on all these will mean that I'm distancing myself from the other comm members too. They will get to bond and know each other better, but I'll always be apart from them. Simply cos' I didn't go through what they did for the comm.

I dunno what they think of me now. I dunno what shuting thinks of me now. I sent her a 4msg-long sms just now telling her how sorry I am that I can't join them in this week's karang guni stuffs, that my greatest committment for now lies in ntusb. I also promised that I'd do my part once my committment in the band lessens. But deep down, I dunno if it will really lessen, even after sojourn. By the time I step down from comm, foc would already be over. And I know that once school starts, foc stuffs can only get busier and busier. Did I really make a wrong choice when I agreed to be the cp?

If I can give up my post now, I would. Get someone from the og to takeover. It would seem utterly irresponsible, but it would be better than being irresponsible in the long run, not contributing to what I should up till foc day. On the band side...I'm also caught in a dilemma. I agree that I should at least ask if I can skip 1 prac to go down and help out at karang guni, but the truth is, I dun dare to ask nic. As it is, the sponsorship matters are already giving him a headache and making him unhappy with me and sw; just imagine if I were to ask if I could skip band for a day. What more in the middle of band camp.

He has always stressed, right from the beginning, that the comm must always be present for every event as far as possible. It's the basic committment, I know, but I wish he could understand my problem. How true it is that one can't have her cake and eat it too. For me, I either risk angering nic or disappointing shuting. Neither of which I wish to do. Why can't someone just understand how I'm feeling now and give me a solution? Although shuting says it's okay, I know it isn't. She's just resigned to the fact that I keep making excuses to get out of foc stuffs. I dun want them to think that I'm someone irresponsible. It's just really difficult when everything comes crashing down at the same time. I dare not think what's gonna happen after sch starts. If the band is really going on an overseas trip..I think I can just drop dead and die. Foc will only get busier, and I can't be making excuses forever. It's not fair to them. Yet, I also have to answer to the band comm. Especially the chairman.

Can everything just stop clashing on a wed and sat? Stop clashing with my practices and camp. I'm only a human who can't split herself into 2. If I could, believe me, I'd gladly split into half and tend to both sides. You have no idea how it feels like to hafta tell whoever it is that I can't make it again, for the upteenth time. It's not easy to type out that msg or make that call, saying sorry for the millionth time and having to face their resigned tone, feeling damn guilty when they try to accommodate my schedule so that hopefully I can turn up...but in the end, I still don't.

I'm really sorry. I know these 3 words won't suffice, and that you've heard it a zillion times, but I'll say it anyway cos' there's nth else I can say.

I'm really sorry.

me
scribbled at
4:42 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]