Saturday, October 29, 2005
12:02 PM
I know the last thing I should be doing is to blog when my first paper is just 6days away, but..I just felt like it. Ah well.

I dun even know what I'm feeling now. Doesn't seem like stress to me. Which is extremely worrying, cos' this is the 1st time I'm so unprepared for an exam. Sighh.

Nothing ever seems to go in...I can sit at my table for an entire day, from morning to dinner time, and barely 20% of what I've studied is actually absorbed. Is that scary or what. >_<

I'm mentally preparing myself for the possibility of tarpau-ing my modules...stats and fm, that is. These two mods, I have zero confidence. Can even say negative. That's how bad it really is. I read the textbook, lecture notes, and I'm still going 'huh?' at this point in time. With less than 2weeks to the papers. Try to do the tutorials, and I'm stuck at every part cos' I just dun understand what the freaking qns wants. And fm is a closed-book exam! How am I ever gonna get through them...

Everyone's telling me, sure can do it! Dun worry! Just pia, can pass wan! But how many of them who tell me this have actually experienced failure before? Just because they can catch things fast, or are adept at last-min work, doesn't mean I'm the same. They're telling all these to me, me who has gone through the horrible feeling of failure before. Am I not the one who scored a row of Fs and Os during my time in tj? Am I not the one who consistently failed econs for 2 straight years no matter how much I studied, how early I started revising? And they're telling this same me now, that 1week to the exam, I can create a miracle. When I couldn't do so in tj. And back there, the subjects and syllabus were simpler. Less to learn. Easier to understand. I couldn't make it back then with at least a mth to the exams; what are the chances that I can make it now with barely a week to my papers? The logic just isn't there. And back in tj, every exam wasn't counted towards the final A-level grade. Here in ntu, every sem's work is counted towards my degree.

Just kill me somebody.

I feel that the lack of stress on my part now is an indication that part of me has somehow given up. Even if I tell myself to jiayou, to just pia and hope for the best, subconsciously, I know that I'm not gonna make it. So no matter what I do now, it wun make a difference.

But I really dun wanna tar pau. Not even a module. Daddy and mummy and everyone else are placing high hopes on me. Myself included. All that talk about hons degree...if I fail, that's gonna fly out of the window immediately. In fact, now, I feel as though I'm desperately holding on to the wings of that thought, begging it to give me one last chance and not fly away. So much for biz being slack..so much for year 1 subjects being easy..I'm dying here and sinking deeper into this abyss.

Nxt sem I'm gonna hafta take 5modules already..not including GEs which I need to take to clear my AUs..if I tar pau, how am I gonna fit everything into my timetable? The thought of going through another sem of stats or fm is simply to horrifying to even think about.

I cannot tar pau. Cannot!

Back to books again... ='(

me
scribbled at
12:02 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]