Friday, October 14, 2005
12:38 PM
Sometimes I really marvel at myself. My ability to swing from one mood to the next in a matter of a few hours, a few days. To talk and laugh without a care one moment, and sink into depression the next.

Being a human capable of feeling emotions can be a bad thing. It's a weakness in my case. I let my heart rule my head. Too often, I find myself being controlled by my emotions. Not the other way round. Maybe that's what makes me feel really human. The ability to be happy, to be sad, to love, to hate.

But it's so tiring.

I hate being subjected to the emotions that rule my life. That control how I think. How I feel. I love when I shdn't, hate when it's wrong, fall into depression at the wrong times; in short, everything's just so wrong.

Nothing seems right.

It's so hard to be happy all the time. I find myself putting on an act more often than I should. In fact, I shouldn't at all. But it's just too hard.

I try to be happy. I live my life thinking that as long as those around me are happy, so am I. I like to see pple happy. My family, my friends. People whom I love. But ever so often, I dun share in their happiness, no matter how hard I try to. There's just this wall btwn us. And to be honest, I don't know who shares my happiness either.

Everything seems so transient all of a sudden. Life, especially. Like, the people I see everyday. They are real beings with emotions, just like me. But yet everything seems so distant. We talk, we joke, we laugh. But how well do I know them?

How well do they know me?

It's so easy to tell someone, I'm always here if you ever need a listening ear. So easy to say, you always have me, someone you can count on. So easy. After all, those are just words.

But how many of them really do mean it?

I say that too. But I really mean it. Really. And I don't tell all my friends that. It's not that I don't want to provide a listening ear or be there for them when they are down, it's just that I will say it only when I'm sure that I can do that for them. Be there for them any time of the day. Any min of an hour. Any sec of a minute. And not everyone needs me to be around for them. They have their own close friends, best friend, someone they share their ups and downs with.

I've been thinking so hard. I can't think of any for my case. Good friends, I have. Close friends...maybe. But best friend? Not even one.

I feel like I'm such a failure at times. Is it just me? Is it because of myself that my friendships nvr seem to go beyond a certain level? No matter how much I am willing to put my all into my friendships, the other party nvr accepts it beyond a certain level. All those talk of friends forever, of how we'll always be there for each other. Is it all a lie? Like I said, it's so easy, too easy, to utter those few words. But to really mean it isn't easy at all. There isn't a friend in my life whom I think of the moment I'm upset and need someone to confide in. I just feel so...awkward. Like, no matter how I pour out my sorrows, ultimately, they dun really understand how I truly feel. They're just there for that moment to tell me, hey, dun be too upset, to console me, to try and make me feel better, feel more optimistic, feel happier. Feel less burdened by my probs cos' they're there to share it with me. Or so they think. But to be honest, I dun feel better. I feel worse cos' when I think back afterward, it's like I'm just taking up their time. They're just being there for a friend who feels upset for that moment. But a true friend is there whether or not you're upset, happy, angry, sad. A true friend knows exactly what to say, what to do, how you really feel deep down. So many times, so many, I have been that true friend to others. The capability to be such a friend. But each time I feel like I've found that true friend, the illusion just doesn't even last long enough for me to delude myself further.

I'm starting to believe there really isn't a forever. Friends forever. Friends for a lifetime. Maybe for some pple, they believe in it. I used to be one of them. But no longer. There's nth to make me believe in that any longer. Everything is just for that moment. They make you feel happy, belonged, loved, for but that moment. Then reality crashes and you realise, or rather, I realise, it's all an illusion.

I want to open up my feelings, emotions, happiness, sadness, to pple I call my true friends. But I'm finding it increasingly difficult to do so. Sometimes, for a particular moment, everything just spills out and we sit there and talk and talk, share with each other about everything good and bad, happy and sad, whatever's troubling us, and I really feel so lucky and glad to have such a friend. But like I said, it doesn't last. It's easy to get into that kind of mood. For that moment. But there is no forever.

I'm so tired of putting up a pretence. I hate pretentious pple, yet sometimes I feel like one. Pretending to be happy when acty my heart is crying. Laughing and joking when all I really want to do is to curl up under my blanket and shut the world out. Listening to another person's problems when my own problems threaten to overwhelm me completely. But since I said I'll always be there for them, I will. My problems take a backseat. Cos' I believe that one shd do for others what she wants others to do for her. Shd I ever confide my problems in someone, I want that person to sincerely listen to me for that moment. Even if for just awhile.

Life is made up of so many chapters. Each chapter of my life brings along new people, new friends. But the old friends seem to leave too. Unknowingly, quietly, gradually. Maybe it's my fault. I haven't put in enough effort into the friendship. But sometimes I'm just so tired and burdened by everything that goes on in my life simultaneously. I really just want out. To press a 'stop' button and take a break. But too bad. There isn't such a button in the journey of life.

It's so easy to sink into depression, it's almost scary. Each time it envelopes me, I feel less willing to step out of it. It's such a struggle, and I really don't have the energy to pull myself out of it. I always tell pple not to give up, that tomorrow will be a better day. But I don't practice what i preach.

I just pray now that I have the energy to get past this sem. Survive the exams. I need a break. A break from this world, from everything. From everyone. I'm too tired to look for the true friend who will be there for me no matter what. If it's meant to be, that friend will come along someday. Since there isn't anyone I can really share with whatever that's weighing me down, since there isn't a person who knows me inside out, all I can do is to sit quietly and wait. Withdraw into my shell with each passing day. Becoming the kind of person I've always dreaded becoming. But it's so much easier to simply not care. My friends, I will still be there for them. No matter what. And that is a promise. But for now, I need a break.

A break from everyone else. From myself. From my surroundings. From everything.

Wouldn't it be nice if I can just sleep and nvr wake till I enter paradise.

me
scribbled at
12:38 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Thursday, October 13, 2005
10:48 PM
I'm quite proud of myself. Managed to stay awake for most of stats lec today(dozed off the last 30mins haha), and even understood some of what the lecturer taught. Not everything though. So chim! And I finished my mkting reading for today. =)

Kelvin kor picked me up for dinner just now! Apparently he was nearby..then he called to ask if I'd eaten dinner. So we went to the kopitiam near city harvest to eat. His recommendation not bad. Haha. He couldn't quite believe I've nvr been there in the 2plus mths I've spent in ntu. Said it's a fav dinner/supper hangout for ntu students. But it's so out of the way for me! Haha. Obviously he paid for dinner...thx! Nxt time my turn to treat k. =p

Can't wait for exams to be over...then can play! Go their house to play, sing karaoke and all that...mans. Still got slightly more than a mth to go...jiayou!

Keep trying to remind myself that time is running out, must make use of every sec available! Bern told me nxt tue they wanna go eat sakae buffet dinner...I wanna go! I've been missing out on all their outings the past mth or so...cos' I really couldn't make it. Nxt tue night I shd be free, but the thing is, with mkting presentation on thu and exams pressing so near, I dunno if I shd go leh. Cos' I know once I go, that whole night will be wasted. By the time I get back to hall, I wun have the mood to mug liao. And I must make full use of my time to mug! Sighh. Pls understand if I end up not going k? Sorry girls...I really want to. But at this moment in time...nth's more impt than studying and doing well. I really cannot afford to fail...

Thx partner for whatever you told me last night..u always seem to be ard when I get into those moods. Thx so much...really. What you said makes sense, and I know you're right. So I promise to follow your advice k? I'll really study hard and not give up..though at that point in time I really wanted to just forget everything and give it all up. Not even try. So thx for making me understand that I shd perservere. That it's still not too late if I put my whole heart and soul into doing nth but studying for the nxt mth. Thx.. =)

Taken a break for too long liao...must get back to my books again. FM quiz on mon! Must pass. And pass well! Jiayou everyone! Geri's facing a brand new sunny day again. I can see the sunlight once more. And I will get my happy ending. =)

me
scribbled at
10:48 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Wednesday, October 12, 2005
9:53 PM
Decided to come online and blog cos' I just simply can't concentrate on studying. Sighh.

Anw, went to stay over at jas' house last night. It was quite a last min decision cos' she asked me if I wanted to stay while we were having dinner. To be honest, it was pretty fun. I spent the whole night doing accounting tutorial with her help, thus causing her to lag behind in her own stats. Sorry jiemei! Kept bothering you then end up you couldn't do your own stuff...sumimasen! (hope I got that right!)

We ended up talking into the wee hours of the night...or rather, early morning. Only managed about 2hrs of sleep before we were rudely awakened to the fact that we had overslept. Haha. Really mad rush sia. And to think we thought of taking our own sweet time by waking up earlier. Lol. Anw..I'm glad we had a girls' talk. Really. We shd do this more often...only thing was that yun wasn't ard. Sighh.

Must thank jas for cooking supper and preparing breakfast for me! I felt so pampered. Haha. Nxt time if you can come my house/hall I'll provide the same royalty treatment for you! And yun must come along too! =p

Met yuankai and weiting at the bus interchange..I'm really glad to be staying in hall, even if I do hafta walk 20mins to get to class. The thought of squeezing up the bus every single morning really can make me faint. Haha.

Went for accounting, my only class for the day. I hope mrs tien doesn't think I'm some accounting zai kia! My answers all right bcos of jas' help! If not, I can maybe only manage to get 2 out of 6 qns right lor. Hope she doesn't think I'm gonna ace the exam or sth. Eek. >_<

Today really a wasted day. Realised that I forgot to bring along the proposal for talentmusic, so had to rush back to hall to grab it, before rushing back out to meet zhibin for lunch at can a. Well, I thought it was supposed to be lunch for both of us but he ate liao. -_- Haha. Anw, I thought the talentmusic guy was coming at 1pm! Then he dropped a bombshell when he called zhibin and told him 2pm. We had, like, over an hour to waste la. Walked all the way to south spine to check out lappie covers at popular and 8 flags, then went fal for awhile. Then walked back to can a again. THEN. Mr talentmusic guy was late. For over 30mins! In my mad rush from hall, I didn't pack any stuff for mugging. Partly oso cos I thought we would be done pretty soon. Turned out otherwise. Meeting with the talentmusic guy was faster than we expected though. He's quite a...funny person. Or shd I say interesting. I dunno la. Haha. Ended up reaching hall at 3plus..and from then till now, I haven't had any mood to mug. At all.

Damn shit.

How??!!!

I'm really worried. Seriously worried for exams. I think even if I start mugging now, 24/7, the most I can manage is a pass in every module. And there's no way I can even mug 24/7! Sighh.

I dun wanna tar pau anything. I really don't want. I'm so damn scaredd!! ='(

I keep trying to psycho myself to mug. But the most I get around to doing is reading the lec notes. Carefully. Trying to understand every single part of it. But I just can't rmb formulas and stuff. And not every module is open book. Like, for accting, I need the textbook by my side then I can do the qns. Even then, I still need someone to guide me along cos' my concepts are totally messed up.

FM quiz next week and I've never ever done a single tutorial qns. Always dozing off during seminars too. I just can't catch anything. And horror or horrors, I just realised that none of my 3 FM tutors taught us how to use a financial calculator. As it is, I dun even have one. Wth.

Stats..no need to say. I wanna do tutorial qns that I've never done since day 1, but there's just not enough time each day. By the time I finish reading and understanding lec notes (not even the textbooks) of everything I plan to mug each day according to my planner, it's the end of the day. Or I find that I have tutorials to finish for class. Or project to do. Or sth will inevitably crop up.

My study planner is already chock-full of stuff to mug for each day. But I can't even get beyond my lec notes! How to practice qns if I dun even read through notes and understand. Either way, it's a lose-lose situation and I find myself falling deeper and deeper into this abyss which threatens to enfold me forever. And I'm so scared I'll just die inside. Never to see daylight again.

I really feel that books can kill me. Like, literally suffocate with the sheer amount of stuff I'm supposed to know but still don't. It's my fault for not paying attention enough in class, not taking my tutorials seriously, putting everything ahead of studies and so on. Lacking the motivation, the drive, the determination to do well. What happened to all the promises I made to myself and my parents? All gone down the drain? Is there really no hope fo me? I dun wanna fail. Dun wanna fail! ='((

I hate feeling like this. I wish I could just go to sleep and wake up and it's a happy ending. Wish I could turn back time and do all the things I shd have done, said all the things I should have said, met all the pple I should have met. I wish. But it's useless. Hopes, wishes, everything, dashed. All because of my own stupid fault. Stuck in a situation I can't get out of. Only one road ahead and it leads to hell.

What have I gotten myself into????

Where's my happy ending... =(

me
scribbled at
9:53 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]