Friday, September 16, 2005
3:31 AM
Got the worst ever wake up call today.

Mummy called to tell me my uncle's in hospital. Bad condition. Sighh. Really jolted me awake.

I had planned my day out already. Nothing but mugging and more mugging with yun. But the call, of course, threw my plans out of the window. I just have no fate with my books la. Even yun said so.

Anw, that's not my point. It's fine that my plans were disrupted. What's not fine is that my uncle is very ill. ='(

I dunno why...but the news really affected me. I was feeling so down since the call came in. I guess, of all my relatives, I'm closest to their family. So, of course, I felt really sad too that this had to happen.

I think it hit me hard cos'..I was suddenly reminded of the fragility of life once again. Why is life so unfair? The good people suffer so much...seeing my uncle hooked up to so many machines in the ICU made me feel like crying. I cannot even begin to imagine the pain he's going through. I think it's simply indescribable. And seeing how he couldn't quite recognise me...sighh. How I wish I could just take away all his pain with a wave of my hand. Like in fairytales. It's always a happy ending. I want a happy ending this time too. Everytime.

I was telling zhibin that I wish somehow I could bring time to a standstill sometimes. Like, if a person you know and love very much is dying. I just wanna freeze time and be with that person. Relive wonderful memories. Spend time together cos'I know that's never gonna happen again. I really wish I have this ability. Then I would I have used it the day my grandma left us. I didn't even get to say goodbye. All the tears after that seemed so...redundant. Like, what's the point. It was just to convey my sadness, my grief. An outlet for my feelings of despair, feeling that I'd never be happy again. As the quote goes, "if you live to be a hundred, I wanna live to a hundred minus one day so that I'll never have to live a day without you". Call me selfish, but I dun ever wanna go through that again. The pain of losing someone you love, that feeling of utter loss and sadness...it hurts more than any injury inflicted. Hurts more than anything. Cos' you know it's permanent. Irreversible. And you can't do anything.

Now, I just want my uncle to recover asap. As I sat outside the ICU, I just kept repeating hail marys to myself, praying hard that somehow, god would hear my prayer. That my uncle would be alright soon. That he wouldn't have to suffer anymore. Take away all his pain and give back to us the wonderful uncle I know and love. Seeing the lack of response from him, the dazed look on his face...it really hurt.

I didn't know what to say to my aunt and cousins. I can safely say that I'm a good listener, I can provide a good listening ear, but I'm really not good at consoling pple. Seeing how they were so obviously sad but trying to be strong..still making everyday conversation, my cousin asking abt sch and my studies...I feel that they are so brave. Even at such a moment, they still cared enough abt others to put others above them. Or maybe it's good liddat too. Take their mind off things.

All I wanna let them know is...you've really gotta be strong. For tio tio, for yourselves. He will be alright. He will. Cos' he's such a good person, he doesn't deserve to suffer. He has the determination and the will to live. That's why nothing will happen to him. Just know that we'll always be here for you all k? Whatever happens, you can count on us. Anything at all. You'll all be in my prayers. Esp tio tio. *huggs

me
scribbled at
3:31 AM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Thursday, September 15, 2005
9:55 PM
Many thoughts running through my mind now.

Last night was a bad night. That is, after I came back from band supper. Where there's band, things can't be too bad la. I love it. I mean, besides passion for the music, I enjoy the company of the band pple too. They're nice pple. Funny too. They make me laugh. And I like to laugh. Wish I could laugh more..

I feel very bad for procrastinating the proposals. It's my job, it's the post I ran for, yet I'm not doing what's expected of me. Instead, my irresponsibility caused inconvenience to others. Esp nic. Because of me, he had to find all means and ways to get the proposals faxed out. And ended up slping so super late. I'm so sorry nic...I promised you it wun happen again. I will keep to my promise even if it kills me. Really.

I was just telling yun, I dun mind writing proposals. Dun mind sending them out. But I dun like the calling part. I hate to rush pple to give me an ans. Maybe cos' I personally dun like being rushed to give an ans. Guess I still have alot alot to learn. Not even halfway there yet. I dread the calls I have to make out man. I can just imagine the reactions of those on the other line when I call to ask for sponsorship. Money matters are always tricky. Sighh.

Was in a really lousy mood last night. Super super terrible. I felt a mix of guilt, anxiety, everything else rolled into one me. I rushed the proposals and I made the same error 4 freaking times. I really wanted to just throw myself down the block. I couldn't take it.

Then...I finally got it done. Sent it over to nic and all. And that's when my mood started to go even more downhill. It suddenly hit me that my life is a total screw up. My studies are non existent, my bizmag stuff is a total cock up, I dunno what I'm doing with myself, with my life. I try hard to be optimistic, but it's so hard. It's so much easier to fall into the pessimisstic mode.

Really downswing sia...then kok kiong talked to me online..all I can say is, thanks to him for making me realise certain things. Maybe at some parts he sounded abit harsh, but he's right la. I really should wake up already...not live in this dream anymore...thanks kk..

It was a bad night la. Haven't cried in a long while. Only slept abt 4hrs last night...I couldn't get to slp sia. Sighh.

Damn tired tdy. Utterly shagged running around. Still got so many many things haven't do...

I think I'm really lucky. I have so many pple by my side who genuinely care for me...thanks kiong for your words of advice...shaun too..and kian keong for "listening" to me online. It really helps to pour out stuff that I keep inside me all along. Then just now weiyun, yuankai, jasmine, weiting and zhiyang gave me a surprise visit in hall. Cos I was too tired to go out with them. Thanks so much k..you all really lifted my mood.. =)

In a much better mood now. Dun wanna spoil it. Dun wanna think about stuff either.

me
scribbled at
9:55 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Monday, September 12, 2005
1:48 PM
Woke really really late tdy! Haven't slept so many hours in a long while.

Wanted to ask yun out, but she has project...and I have a stupid tuition class later so can't meet her to go out after her discussion ends. I hate tuition. I hate tutoring my student. I hate it that he's so not receptive to everyone's efforts at helping him. Pui.

Wanna mug but got no mood! As usual. Only brought back FM to mug cos' I realised that when the tutor doesn't give us tutorial to do, I know nuts about the subject. Then again, I oso know nuts about accounting, marketing and stats. So much for tutorials huh. Sighh.

Sounds like it's gonna rain...hope it won't rain tmr! Beach outing for the band...hope that the turnout will be good too. I wanna go sch tmr, but I'll have tuition again. Shitt! I wanna sack my kid liao, I dun care. He really sucks to the core man. Can't wait for his psle to be over in a mth's time. Then I'll be rid of him forever! Then again, that oso means no more money coming in every mth. But I couldn't care less. I'd rather forgo the money than have to tutor him. He's that bad!

Okay, gotta get back to my bizmag stuffs liao. Sighh. Starting to think I'm not cut out for this post after all. I prefer livia's job. And emerald's! I like to organise stuff. Not go around finding money. Well, at any rate, it'll be a challenge and also a good learning experience. So must jian chi dao di! I wanted this post in the first place too. Haha. Can la, I must be a good biz mag! Then the band will have more money. Lol.

Tata! =)

me
scribbled at
1:48 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]