Saturday, July 31, 2004
4:27 PM
Half the time I dunno what's my purpose in life. What's the point of completing Primary sch, going to a Sec sch, getting into some supposedly good JC then finally to graduate from university?..

I haven't even thought of what I want to do with my life yet. Since I was old enough to know the meaning of the word 'ambition', I've had dreams. Many of them, in fact. But they always come to naught. I think I've let pple influence me too much. My 1st dream was to be a lawyer. I was so sure I'd stick to my goal, my ultimate aim. And I did, for quite a few years. I was confident I could do it. But then came the comments and responses. 'Are you sure?', 'Do you think you can?', 'It takes alot of hard work you know', and blah blah. Not saying these were negative comments or anything. It's more like when pple started reminding me how lawyers are great thinkers who dun restrict their thought process into a square box yada yada. So fine, you think I can't be a lawyer? Not to worry, there're so many other professions out there. Surely there's one suitable for me.

What a naive girl I was. To actually think that I could be whatever I wanted. Hah.

Then I wanted to be a psychologist. Truth be told, I still do. Then came the disparaging comments. Psychologists don't earn much. Too many pple want to be psychologists. It's not good to delve too deep into the study of the human mind; you can be affected yourself, too.

What rubbish.

In the first place, as much as I'd like to have a high-paying job, I'd rather have one I enjoy rather than one which earns me tons of money. Of cos, if I can have my cake and eat it, that would be best. I keep getting influenced. Gimme a little more comments, and I'll change my mind. Can't I just make up my own mind?

Sometimes I feel that I've broken out of the ordinary track of life as set by my parents, my family, my relatives blah blah. I've tried to keep to it, I've really tried so hard. In pri sch, everything had to be the best. If you didn't get into EM1, it didn't mean you were lousy. It just meant you weren't as good as some others who, btw, didn't form da majority. So I tried. And I did it. I got into EM1. But was I happy? Was it what I wanted? I don't know. All I know is that it made my parents happy that I got into EM1. So if they were happy, I was happy. Right? *shrugs*

Then came sec sch. My grades started to dip. I started to play more, study less. I realised that there were subjects more interesting than just Math and Science. Lit was fun; I loved Lit. So was Geog. And History. These started taking precedence over 'more impt' subjects like Math and Science. Da stupid streaming process in Sec 2. It was made worse by the fact that my sch only had TWO triple science classes out of almost 10. And it wasn't as if I'd been performing very well so far.

Da stress was horrible. I hated it. I still rmb the day our results came out. The teacher read out the names of the top 10 in class. That had been my promise to my parents. That I'd work hard to get into top 10. Having jumped from 28 to 19 wasn't enough in a yr wasn't enough. My ultimate aim was to get to triple science. My aim? No, not really my aim. Their aim.

And so I did. When my teacher said I got 10th, I cried. Pure relief, the way I see it. It was as though I'd done sth right for once. Didn't let my parents down. And when I found out I got into triple science, it was fireworks and celebration. My parents were so happy, I felt like I'd finally did them proud. Didn't disappoint them.

Then came the next 2 yrs. They were a living hell for me. Apart from my humanities subjects, I scored shit grades for everything else. In fact, almost everything was shit. For science, I consistently failed or got Cs. Now that I think back, it was really stupid the way I held on to my 10 subjects and refused to drop anything, especially not any of my 3 science subjects. The subjects were fun to learn abt, but I just couldn't study them well. Obviously I couldn't score. Duh.

I still rmb my phy grade in sec 3 or 4. My mid yr exams. I was da only one in my class who failed it. By one mark. I cried like shit in da toilet. Wth, even before that I couldn't control the tears already. The thought of facing my parents' ire at home....

Imagine my surprise when I scored 13pts for prelims. Me, who had never gotten above 20sth before. Hah. Amazing. At least it secured my 1st 3 mths in a JC.

Then came O's. The day of the release of results was totally horrible. I had this sinking sensation which made me feel like puking. At the end? 11 pts. Not a bad feat, some say. For me, at that time, having held on stubbornly to all my 10 subjects, it was a miracle. Needless to say, my distinctions came from my humanities subjects.

When I got into TJ, I was elated. Didn't let my parents down. Didn't let my grandma down. She was my motivation for the O's, really. Then came the problem of subject combi. Being my stupid self, I still thought of trying out for a science sub. So I took Phy. Pple keep saying, you need science to go far. A career in the arts will get u nowhere.

Rubbish.

Now I know it for sure. Ended up dropping my science anyway. *shrugs* Fat lot of good it did me, in those 6 mths. I absolutely hated it.

And I dunno what I'm doing with my life now. I might have surprised my fmly and relatives by going into arts when everyone else went into science. I really hated being compared to them. I'm not a genius, and yeah, I'm not exactly the hardworking model student either. You wun be getting scholarships and first degree honours and whatnot from me. I'll always just be some average cannot-make-it student. I really resented the way they wanted me to live my life 'like that'. Like that was the only track I could take. I'm grateful, though, that ultimately they didn't comment much on my choice to be an arts student. *phew*

I just feel like my life is in a mess. What am I even studying for anyway. Taking the A's? Will I get my distinctions? Everyone knows as well as I do the shittified grades I'm getting, even at this point in time. I can't even pass 2 A subs, let alone everything.

I can't produce miracles, pls dun expect me to come home with 3 distinctions next yr or sth. I know I can't do that. This is not lacking in confidence; it's being realistic.

Pple say, no one should know you better than you yourself, but now I really want someone else to be me. Then maybe that someone can tell me what am I all about. What's wrong with me. What do I want.

Cos' I dun have da answers to those questions. And if I still dun find that out soon, well......*shrugs*

me
scribbled at
4:27 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

3:10 PM
I'm home liaoz...after going out to mug for awhile...

Was supposed to meet Jeannie to mug at 9.30 cos' she wanted to go back CCHS in da afternoon...I set my alrm clock lah, two of them...and guess what? I still overslept anyway... >_< Wasn't until she msged me at 9 did I wake up...manz...one of the times I'm thankful that I've such a loud and long-sounding msg tone...lol..

So aniwaes ending up meeting her at 10 plus then we went mugging. Cold day today! *brr* Didn't get much done, actually. Reading Econs makes me slp! Think maybe I slept too late last night le, today very tired. Practically yawned my way through my Econs notes...*dots* I seriously doubt anything much went in, if any at all lah...after that tried doing Math but didn't get very far before we both decided that BK was way to cold to tolerate..so went out for a walk..ended up sitting on the floor playing hp games! Hahas...what a sight we must have looked...lol...

Later went back BK then Jeannie gotta go le, so we walked back to da MRT...walked a short while at Raffles City before going back...and so yups, I'm home now feeling extremely bored, tired, and in totally no mood to mug whatsoever. So there.

Tml still gotta go sell da NDP collarpins. Oh manz, I kinda regret agreeing to do it, even if it is for charity. 50 pins at 2 bucks each ain't that easy to sell lor. Was hoping I could count on my friends to buy from me as donation to charity but noooo...expected lah huh...somemore pple complain to me da design this yr very ugly, not like last year blah blah...okies, fine, I can understand what they mean. Aren't I liddat too sometimes? Finally I understand the feelings of those who hafta sell all these on the streets everytime. Next time, if any of them approaches me, I shall donate to charity if I have da spare $2, instead of buying sth unnecessary. It's not so much of buying for da collarpin; I don't really care abt that. It's da doing charity part lor. How I wish more pple would understand what exactly is it for that they're paying the $2. Imagine, we can spend over a dollar, nearly 2, on chocs n blah blah w/o really thinking twice. Even if we do think, it's how eating that choc will make us fat, yada yada, not so much of how we can't afford it.

I'm finally beginning to see the light and regretting those times I rejected to buy such stuff for charity. It really goes towards a good cause lor. And yar, spending those 2 bucks on sth meaningful is way better than wasting it on food I don't need or stationary I can do w/o. Hai. Tml's gonna be a long day. Pple out there reading this, whoever you are, if you see one of us (like me) selling those pins tml, pls be generous and buy one okay? It's for a good cause! And you'll really make our job simpler. We dun exactly like having to stand half a day facing all kinds of reactions from pple either. So pls, pls do a good deed k? Even if you dun wanna buy, at least reject us properly. Dun brush us off like we dun exist. Yups.

Wow how did I digress so far manz. Oh well, whatever. Still got another half of da afternoon to mug, better start making use of time le. Monday still gotta go see LLC. Bleah. Dun like her. *sticks out tongue*

me
scribbled at
3:10 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Friday, July 30, 2004
11:09 PM
I just don't understand some pple.

The only reason why I'm typing this here is cos' I know you wun see this. Or maybe you will. I dunno. *shrugs*

I try to give in to you, I really do. Haven't I? I mean, sometimes I think I've done more than is expected of me lor. Okies, wait, that didn't come out right. As a friend, there's no limit as to what I'm expected to do. Maybe I haven't done enough, I don't know. But I do try.

Now I know how my friends used to feel. Those times I inflicted da silent treatment upon them for no reason. This is my retribution I guess, to put it in a not-so-nice way. Maybe it's only right that I should be made to go through now what they went through with me in the past. *shrugs*

It's just so....I dunno...senseless? Like, did I make you angry? If so, how?? It's amazing how you can be so full of crap and jokes one moment, and silent like nobody's business the next. It's pretty unsettling, really. I dunno what to do everytime you go dumb on me. It's, like, I'm standing next to a virtual stranger, except this time it's really my friend I'm with, one who refuses to say anything. Okies, to give you some credit, at least you acknowledge my presence. So I know I'm not totally invisible after all. Hah. Like that's gonna help huh.

I feel like I'm in a sarcastic mood. But I shouldn't be. I'm usually not, especially involving such stuff. But this time, I'm really baffled lor. Should I laugh or cry? To be caught in such an ironic situation. >_<

I agree, guys do have feelings. Hell, everyone has feelings. Even animals! Maybe I've been insensitive in some ways, sometimes. There are times when I dun reciprocate your efforts and everything. There are times when I may seem selfish, or that I do not care. There may even be times when I hurt your feelings. But one thing I do know is, I really try to be the good and understanding friend I should be. But it's not always so easy. I dun always feel happy, but for appearances' sake, I try to be. I dun always feel up to showing my concern for others, but if I dun, I feel guilty. Especially after having been such a terrible friend most part of my life. But only God knows, and I know, how I really feel inside.

So forgive me if I dun react or respond the way you want me to. It's not like everyone responds the way I want them to, either. Nobody's perfect. I'm not perfect, and I dun claim to be. I've my weaknesses too, flaws and all. But just know that I do try, okay?

Hope you'll get over your bad mood soon. Though I think you already have. Most times, I think it's just me lah. Maybe we just have a problem communicating. I dunno. Whatever it is, you know I'm always here for you, I've said so before, like I say to all my friends. So yups, tkkaire. Hope this is the first and last time I'll ever hafta blog abt sth liddat again.

me
scribbled at
11:09 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

Wednesday, July 28, 2004
10:09 PM
Wow...I haven't come online for ages! That's why I haven't been blogging either...hahas. Been so busy with sch work that there's just no time for anything else...

There goes my social life manz. But I guess it'll be worth it if at da end of it all I can do well for A's..

Never thought I'd be saying this, but I actually feel guilty when I'm not mugging! As in, when I'm doing anything other than studying..things which I dun have to do or shouldn't be doing...like window shopping awhile and all that...last weekend was wasted in this way! Saturday, at least. Heh. That was horrible! I hate that feeling manz..knowing I should be using those few hours to study...could have covered alot!

Oh manz...this is super duper mugger talk lah...so much for never ever being a mugger huh...*dots* But actually, come to think of it, mugging ain't that bad lah, really...except I'd rather it be less hiong than now...

Adverse effects can really hit you...like on Monday, I freaked out over everything. Math tests to study for, Econs test to mug for, Lit to prepare, and blah blah...it was too much to take lah. I was still fine in sch...just rather panicky yet resigned to my fate. Heh. After I got home da full amount of workload hit me. Like, seriously hit me hard. But then again, it's times like these when a good cry really helps. Just let everything out lor...and my family was really nice to me...hahas. Not that they usually aren't. Just extra nice cos' I was really upset. Hee. Sorry to make you pple worry. Thx! =)

Hmm...lots have happened since da last time I blogged..mainly it's sch lah...like some pple have retained after getting back JCT results...I dunno if it's a good idea, but it's their carefully thought out choice, so I guess they should know what's best. Hopefully at da end of next yr, they'll get da As they want by staying back another year...

Ohh well I think my blog entry is really boring. Sorry lah, pple who are reading this. Mugging has dulled my senses significantly. Muahahas. Hopefully I'll return to da "normal" me soon...lol. And I'm pretty sure I'm gonna be blogging really much less...but will try to update more often!

Okies pple, jiayou and tkkaire! =)

me
scribbled at
10:09 PM

*[dream as if you'll live forever. live as if you'll die today]*

.girl in question.
[geri]
[turned twenty ONE on 28th jan!]
[aquarian]
[shopaholic]
[ij to tj to nbs]
[crazy moments]
[can be a biatch]
[2903]

.adores.
[rainbow] [stars]
[trumpet] [sunshine]
[monokuro boo] [tigger]
[shopping] [candy empire]
[family and friends*hugs*]

.take note.
nothing for now.all in my head.

.wants.
|i just want YOU to be alright. recover soon please..|

.current loves.
||my family||

.darlings.
amala amanda amy anneson benji berenice candice cherish cheryl chih lin christina cindy corinne daniel darren dawn deborah dern eileen elayne gerald guanyu huiteng huixun jasmine jeannie jiabao jieying jinyuan joan kingman layleng lianya luther marinah melf mitchelle neo nina ntusb pamela peiqin pyrite's blog sheryl tow boon vanessa wenhui yifen youwei ziyun

.click on them.
baumhouse birks- gso birks- jestel kg friendster haloscan hollister hyper-act! michael phelps club naturlich footshop orisinal who lives near you

.memories.
|tjband|
[syf 2003]
[prelude XXIII]
[prelude XXIV]
[trumpet section 2003]
[band thailand trip]
[trumpet section outing]
[wasbe 2003]
|2903|
[prom 2004!]
[class outing to beach]
[2903 album]
[sentosa]
|iras|
[concen TCOs]
|ij clique|
[bbq at bern's house]